


dream a little dream of me

by twenty1p1lots



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Band, Anxiety, Brendon Urie is sassy, Depression, Fluff and Smut, I ramble a lot, I use hyphens too much, Josh Dun is a bartender, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Sorry Jenna, Suicidal Thoughts, Tyler Joseph is a teacher, Verbal Abuse, i use ellipses too much, i use italics too much, lots of dreams, this is my first fanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-10-20 11:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10661433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty1p1lots/pseuds/twenty1p1lots
Summary: It's not everyday you bump into a gorgeous stranger on the street, and Tyler was at a complete loss for words.Too bad he's engaged to Jenna and totally straight... right?





	1. an introduction

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic ever, i hope you enjoy. xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some Fun Fanfic Facts (TM)  
> \- Bentley Falls, Ohio, is basically the exact town that I live in except I changed the word in front of "Falls" (I live in a tiny ass town in Ohio)  
> \- I read a lot of fanfic, and so naturally I'm inspired by what I read, and so some of the inspo for certain parts of this fic came from other fics, but I try to be creative as well  
> \- Writing smut is hard why did no one tell me this  
> \- This fic isn't gonna be all rainbows and butterflies ok?? i have some Sad Shit (TM) planned. don't worry, Josh and Tyler aren't gonna die folks  
> \- This fic is going to be insanely long, and so I'm sorry if you don't like long fanfics

I was lying awake for what must have been hours, staring at the ceiling and lost in my own head. Sunlight was streaming in through the curtains, and I rolled over on my side to see Jenna's chest rising and falling peacefully as she slept, her brilliant blonde hair reflecting the morning sun. The clock atop my nightstand read 6:46 am. I sighed as I rolled out of the left side of our bed and meandered into the bathroom adjoining our bedroom with a yawn.

As I waited for the water to heat up, I stared at myself in the mirror and frowned at the prominent dark circles under my eyes, a result of several sleepless nights. In the shower, I let the burning hot water beat down on me, as I got lost in my thoughts again.

Jenna and I had been "together" for 4 years when I proposed. I still remember our first real date; where we met at the ice cream shop downtown, close enough for me to walk from my small picket-fenced yard in the midst of suburbia. Jenna and I had been close family friends for as long as I could remember, and I suspect our parents always wanted us to end up together. We were both from small town, middle class Christian families and our parents undoubtedly hoped we'd follow in their footsteps; get married, settle down, pop out a few babies and live a happy Christian life. Jenna had gushed about her future as we walked in the park that day, ice cream cones in hand.

"I think I wanna be a kindergarten teacher, aren't kids just the cutest things?" she asked me enthusiastically, her light blonde hair up in a high pony tail that swayed as she walked. It took me a moment to realize that she'd asked me a question. I blinked myself out of my daydreams and turned to her with a smile.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," I gushed.

I had been raised to feel exactly how my parents wanted me to. It was as though, for the first 15 years of my life, they manufactured my every thought. I had recently begun to wonder what I truly wanted my future to look like, and I couldn't help but get trapped in daydreams of moving to a big city and making a name for myself in the music business. According to my parents however, I was going to be a preacher just like my father.

"I think I might like to move to a big city and reinvent myself, you know? There's so much to do and see and I don't want to be stuck in this stuffy little town forever," I sighed, just as shocked at my outburst of honesty as Jenna was. She stopped in her tracks and furrowed her eyebrows together, a look of confusion playing in her pretty blue eyes.

"But I love Bentley Falls," she frowned, looking over her shoulder in reference to the town square that was just behind us. "And our parents do, too. It's what our future is going to be, you know that."

It wasn't until several years later that I brought up my big city dreams again.

"Baby, imagine how much fun we'd have," I gushed to Jenna after she came home from work. "There are kindergartens in Los Angeles too," I laughed lightly as she rubbed her fingers into her temples.

"Our families are here, Tyler. Our lives are here!" she stated, taking my hand in hers.

Jenna and I had both recently graduated Ohio State University, she with a degree in childhood development and I with a degree in music education. The road to convincing my parents to let me be a music teacher instead of a preacher was a several year long battle, but in the end they liked the idea of Jenna and I both being teachers.

"We're adults now! We finished college, we have our whole lives ahead of us baby!" I urged, refusing to give up. I couldn't bear the thought of living in Ohio for the rest of my life. I couldn't bear the thought of having family dinners twice a week, once with my own and once with my in-laws. I couldn't keep going to church every Sunday, listening to ramblings I'd long since believed, and I just wanted, more than anything, to feel free.

Jenna was a part of my future that I hadn't given up. I had spent so much of my life with her by my side that I couldn't stand to lose her. We got along, we understood each other, I was so used to being with her that it was almost a habit at this point. I had proposed to her during our freshman year of college, shortly after her 19th birthday, per the urging of my parents. When I finally convinced her to move to Los Angeles with me after college, wedding plans still weren't being made. I was perfectly content to continue with her as we always had, because honestly, the thought of marriage scared the shit out of me.

It's been two years since Jenna and I moved to Los Angeles, and our parents still try to convince us to move back to Ohio every chance they get. Even after being engaged for 5 years, the thought of marriage still mortifies me. I cursed myself for even thinking about it, as my heart sped up and I had to shake myself from my thoughts. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my towel around my waist.

I walked back into the bedroom to find Jenna sitting up in bed, reading some romance novel. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, her bangs falling across her face and her beautiful blue eyes scanning the pages rapidly. She was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, and her long, smooth legs were crossed at the ankles towards the bottom of the bed. She really was beautiful. I've always known that, I'm not blind, but there was this part of my brain that told me something was missing.

In high school, all my friends would tease me about Jenna, talking about how I was "already tied down" and that I "needed to know what it would be like to bang other chicks." I could never relate when my friends would talk about girls, deciding who had the hottest ass or talking about some girl's huge tits. I laughed and played along, but that sort of attraction isn't something I've ever really felt.

Jenna and I do have sex. We did it for the first time after our junior prom, because my friends kept assuming that we already had. I felt like it was my "duty" as a man to have sex with my beautiful girlfriend, more than once being told, "if you won't fuck her, Joseph, I'll gladly do it!" It's not that I don't enjoy having sex with Jenna. I mean, for God's sake, I'm a 24-year-old dude, and sex is fucking fun. But sometimes it feels like a chore, something that I have to do as a fiancé, like taking out the trash or sweeping the floor. I've had a sneaking suspicion as to why Jenna doesn't "excite" me the way she should for a few years now. But it couldn't be true, it just couldn't. I was going to spend the rest of my life with Jenna, and so I'd have to learn to get some kind of satisfaction out of her womanhood. I didn't want what my mind was telling me to be true. It couldn't be, right?

I told myself that all the time and yet I couldn't help myself from fantasizing about some hot guy I saw on TV while I was having sex with Jenna. I couldn't help the way that I only wanted to watch the guy when jerking off to porn.

But no, I was Tyler Joseph, proud, Christian son of Kelly and Chris Joseph. I was going to be a husband and a father. I wasn't going to let my parents down.

I was dragged out of my thoughts once more when Jenna looked up at me, smiling, and set her book down on her nightstand. She stood up and stretched, walking over to me and wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Morning, Ty," she smiled as I pecked a kiss to her nose. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah," I smiled back. I was lying. My mind had been tormenting me rather relentlessly these last few nights.

I had this recurring dream. I was standing backstage at some huge venue, about to go on and perform for thousands of people. But every time, as soon as I walked out onstage, I heard voices coming from every direction throwing gay slurs at me. And then I would look down, into the front row, and Jenna, my mother and my father would be standing there, crying.

"I put the coffee on while you were in the shower," Jenna said as she looked through her closet. The clock read 7:14 am now. Jenna and I leave for work at 8 am.

I searched through my drawers before pulling out a random button down and black jeans. I quickly got dressed, fastening a black tie around the collar of my blue button down, and walking out of the bedroom towards the kitchen.

Jenna and I have a small apartment about 30 minutes outside of Los Angeles, and we both work at the school district nearest to us, about 10 minutes the other way. It's a small school, right outside of a small suburb of Los Angeles, the nearest town to where we live. So maybe I wasn't exactly living out my big city dreams, but it was a lot fucking better than Bentley Falls, Ohio.

*


	2. a blue haired stranger

My day passed as usual, class after class of middle schoolers who didn't actually want to be learning music. I walked out of the building at 3 pm with a ringing headache. My lack of sleep was beginning to seep into my bones, but I still had errands to run.

As I drove down the highway, I couldn't stop thinking about that dream. And I couldn't stop thinking about how mundane my life had become. I used to dream of excitement, of big city adventures, of playing music and feeling free. But here I am, a middle school teacher engaged to a woman that I could never truly love. The fantasies I used to have about Los Angeles crept into my brain again, and I impulsively started driving away from home and towards the city.

I didn't go to downtown Los Angeles very often, but I was entirely in love with it. It was so colorful and inviting, and the people that walked the streets were so beautifully unique and diverse. In a split second decision, I decided to head to Venice Beach, a place that had always intrigued me but Jenna referred to as "not my cup of tea."

I quickly pulled off my tie and hopped out of my car, making my way towards the shops that lined Venice Beach and sweating in the warmth of the spring sun. It sure would be a good time to not be wearing a fucking button down. I wandered aimlessly for a while before heading into a used record store.

After browsing the stacks of records and eventually purchasing a used vinyl of "Folie a Deux" by Fall Out Boy, I decided to head home. As I walked towards my car, I stared at the record in my hand, smiling to myself about how Jenna would react to the purchase. I owned several other copies of this same album, but this was one of the original vinyls, so I couldn't resist. As I was admiring the cover art, I collided, hard, with some stranger. My record slid across the ground and I fell backwards onto my butt, confused and pissed. I reached to grab it, but someone was already slowly lifting it up, examining the cover. I followed the arm, swirled with a brilliantly colorful tattoo sleeve, and found myself locking eyes with the stranger that I assume I had bumped into.

In that moment, as we looked at each other, I was immediately taken aback. The man standing in front of me had dark brown, hooded eyes, a head of messy curls that were dyed a bright shade of blue, and a small gold nose ring. I opened my mouth to apologize, but felt my throat close up. This guy was beautiful. It's not everyday you run into a gorgeous stranger, and I was at a complete loss for words.

Before I could attempt speech again, the stranger grinned down at the record, revealing a set of perfect teeth, and causing his eyes to crinkle up at the corners.

"Good taste," he smirked, looking back up at me and handing me the record. I took it, awkwardly, and tried to mumble something akin to "thank you" but I'm not sure that I said any real words at all. The gorgeous stranger got to his feet and held out his hand to help me up.

"Sorry about that, by the way," the man laughed softly, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm clumsy."

I returned his laugh and shook my head. "No, it was all me. I wasn't watching where I was going..." I trailed off at the end, hating myself for being so shy all the time. I looked down at my feet, not sure what to do with myself, and I heard the stranger in front of me swallow hard and clear his throat. I could feel his eyes on me, so I looked up to meet his gaze. As he held eye contact, I felt my stomach twist into a huge knot.

For a moment, he hesitated, and then blurted out "I'm Josh" as he stuck his hand out to me, breaking eye contact. I couldn't help but laugh to myself. I've never stopped and gotten to know a stranger that I bumped into on the street, and this all felt odd to me. But I wasn't complaining.

I took his hand, much larger and rougher than mine, his palms calloused and his grip firm. "Tyler," I replied quietly.

Josh scratched his neck again, and it suddenly hit me that he might be nervous too.

Wait, this gorgeous stranger is nervous to be talking to me?

The very thought made a blush rise in my cheeks, and I tried my best not to smile. And then I realized what I was thinking.

WOAH WOAH WAIT A MINUTE I CAN'T HAVE RANDOM BEAUTIFUL STRANGERS MAKING ME BLUSH WHEN I'M A TAKEN MAN. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY IS MY HEART BEATING SO FAST. FUCK.

I suddenly was overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment, and I quickly mumbled "gottagonicetomeetyou" to Josh before turning on my heel and walking away.

"Uh, Tyler?" Josh tried as I sped away, but I didn't turn around.

I practically jogged the rest of the way to my car and threw myself down into the seat with a sigh, letting out a huge breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I just sat there for a moment; my mind was racing as I replayed the events that just took place. I couldn't possibly be attracted to this stranger... I didn't even know him, and plus, I wasn't gay. I would know if I was gay, right? But I'm not. And I don't want to be. I can't be.

And yet on the whole drive home, he was all I could think about. Those dark eyes, the way they crinkled at the corners, his smile, his blue hair, it looked so soft and I'd love to run my hands through --- WHAT? I turned up the radio and rolled down the window in an attempt to clear my head.

When I got home, it was nearly 7 pm. Jenna was sitting on the couch in the living room, scrolling on her laptop. She looked up when she heard me open the door.

"Hey baby," she began, grinning. "So did you pick up the dry cleaning?"

"Did I pick up the...? OH, the dry cleaning, the... oh I um, no I totally forgot, sorry sweet pea." My heart sped up so fast I thought it was going to burst right out of my chest. I'd been so distracted by thoughts of Josh that I'd completely forgot about the fucking dry cleaning.

Jenna sighed, and frowned. She closed her laptop and stood up. "Don't forget it tomorrow," she warned, but she was smiling. She had changed out of her work clothes into exercise pants and a tank top. She walked towards the door and grabbed her yoga mat from the floor.

I took a step to let her past, realizing that I'd been glued to my spot since I came in. Jenna must have realized that I was nervous.

"It's really okay baby, I promise," she giggled, running her hands through my hair. I loosened up a bit and grinned, leaning over to peck a kiss to her lips. I drew away but she cupped the back of my head and pulled me in again, kissing me slowly and passionately.

She pulled away and kissed me on the cheek. "I'll be back from yoga in an hour, there's leftover stir-fry from last night in the fridge. Oh, and you still have laundry in the dryer. It's gonna get all wrinkly!" She laughed and walked out the door, shutting it behind her.

Sometimes I couldn't tell whether she felt more like a little housewife or like my mother. Honestly, I didn't really like the idea of either.

 

*

I went about my evening as always, doing housework and eating dinner and grading silly homework assignments. After wanting to scream when the 18th kid in a row didn't know the difference between a half and whole rest, I decided to take a break. Thoughts of blue hair and a nose ring and a colorful arm kept floating around in my head, but I swatted them away, as if they were flies. As if it were that simple. I already felt bad for thinking about someone else so much, it felt like I was betraying Jenna, but I felt worse that I was thinking about a guy. I tried to keep my thoughts PG for a while, but it didn't work.

As I got swept away by my imagination, I wondered what Josh looked like without clothes on. I pictured myself climbing on top of him, trailing my fingers across his abs and tracing the outlines of his tattoo. I imagined running my hands through his hair; I imagined what it might be like to touch him, to have him moaning my name, to make him cum...

Before I realized it I was sweating and my heart was beating like crazy and I was already half-hard, just thinking about this guy. At that very moment, Jenna came bursting into the room.

"Tyler!" She enthused as she saw me sitting on the couch. "Guess what happened today," she grinned, sitting next to me on the couch and bouncing her legs up and down in excitement.

I tried my best to seem interested as she began her story, but I could hardly pay attention. I only realized she'd finished telling her story when I heard her conclude with "... and she guessed that we wanted the colors to be light blue and gold! Isn't that crazy? She gave me her card and I think we've found the perfect wedding planner." Her smile was huge and she looked at me expectantly.

My heart hammered in my chest and my palms grew sweaty. Jenna almost never talked about our wedding. I felt sick. I wasn't ready to be married...

"Wedding planner?" I stuttered, trying to hide my fear.

"Ty, I know you say we've got time, but we've been engaged for 5 years! Beatrice was shocked when I told her," she began, and I assumed Beatrice was our potential wedding planner. "Our parents are waiting baby, they're so excited! What are we waiting for??" Jenna asked, a pleading look in her eyes that made my heart twist with guilt.

I planned my words carefully. "I just don't think there's a rush. I love you, you know I do, and I just want everything to be perfect." I smiled at her, hoping it looked sincere.

She sighed and looked truly sad, and in that moment I hated myself more than ever. Jenna deserved better, she deserved a man who could love her, and she deserved a man who wouldn't fantasize about other men...

"I love you too," she smiled at me, sadness still filling her eyes as she fluttered her pretty long eyelashes. "I just think that..."

And then she gave me her speech about why we should get married now, how much our families wanted it, how all the waiting around made her nervous, blah blah blah. I didn't have to listen to know what she was saying.

I put my hand on her thigh and looked into her eyes. "We'll get married soon, honey bear, I want only the best and most perfect wedding for you." I almost felt tears well up in my eyes at my statement, because it was true. The only problem was that, in her perfect wedding, I shouldn't be the groom.

*

My dream started the exact same that night. But after I saw my family crying in the front row, the point that I usually wake up, I ran offstage. And there waiting for me in the wings was the blue-haired stranger, arms outstretched with a sympathetic look in his eyes. I ran into his arms and sobbed into his chest while he stroked my hair. And then I woke up.

I hated how vivid my dreams were. I swear I could still feel his arms around me, fingers in my hair, his warmth surrounding me as I cried...

I jumped out of bed, convincing myself that these thoughts of Josh were ridiculous. He was a complete stranger; as a matter of fact I'd never even see him again. I took a deep breath. I'd never see him again. A part of me was relieved, realizing that I could avoid my feelings by avoiding Josh. But a part of me ached to see him again. I took a cold shower that morning.

*

I was more distracted today than I normally was, which is saying a lot. I'd be trying to tell some bratty 13 year olds how to read the treble clef and then my mind would just wander off, Josh invading my thoughts endlessly...

"Mr. Joseph?" one of my students piped up from the front row. "Uh... Mr. Joseph?"

"Huh? I – um, oh." I took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "It's your lucky day everybody, we're watching a movie." I couldn't help but grin as my students cheered. I put a DVD about woodwind instruments into the shitty school TV and sat at my desk, head in my hands.

*

My incredibly repetitive and mundane life went on as it always had; Josh was the only difference. He'd invaded all aspects of my life. One night, as Jenna and I were having sex, I couldn't help but imagine him. His lips, his hair, his arms, his abs, his dick... It was the best sex we've had in a long time.

It had been almost two weeks since my encounter with the gorgeous stranger, and I was having an argument with myself as to whether or not I should go to Venice Beach again. I knew it was silly, I wouldn't even see him again. He was probably a tourist and wasn't in town anymore, and even if he did live in Los Angeles, this city was huge and I couldn't possibly find him again.

Fuck it, I thought as I marched out of the school and began the drive towards Venice Beach.

It was another warm day, in late April, and so I rolled up the sleeves of my pink button down as I browsed the shops of Venice Beach. I walked very slowly, peeking in to almost every store, making sure I checked all my surroundings for any sight of Josh. I'd walked up and down the entirety of Venice Beach several times before I cursed myself for being so stupid. I truly felt like an idiot, thinking there was even a possibility of seeing him again. I needed a drink.

According to Google, there was a bar 5 minutes from here, so I began my walk. The realization that this blue-haired stranger was simply a one-time occurrence in my life was far more upsetting than it should've been, considering I was engaged to a woman, and straight? Maybe?

I pushed open the door and immediately took a seat at the bar. I looked up just then and saw the bartender's back towards me, fixing someone's drink. And my heart stopped.


	3. a pizza place

The back facing me had a head of blue hair, and a gorgeous tattoo sleeve poking out from under the tight gray t-shirt he was wearing. I almost choked on my own spit as my mind reeled, unable to believe my eyes. I couldn't decide whether to run as fast as I could or stay put. And then Josh turned around, and oh my God he's looking right at me.

Josh's eyes lit up immediately as he recognized who I was. He set down the drink he'd just prepared and leaned against the counter, right in front of me.

"No shit," he said, shaking his head and laughing. "I never thought I'd see you again after that little disappearing act, Tyler," he said, smiling that beautiful smile that made my heart melt.

Holy shit, he remembered my name. holyshitholyshitholy

I felt my cheeks burn with a mixture of guilt and embarrassment as I thought about how I practically ran away from him. "Yeah, sorry about that," I mumbled towards my lap, fingers twisting the hair at the top of my head.

I heard another laugh of disbelief from Josh and looked up to see that he was still grinning at me with the occasional shake of his head. "So are you my stalker now?" he smirked, looking unfairly hot.

"What?! I – no, of course not, I was just coming in for a drink, and you --- and then..." I couldn't even get a coherent sentence out. I felt like a dumbass. I couldn't believe how painfully awkward I was being.

"So what can I get you?" That smirk was still playing on his lips.

"I'll just uh, have um, a beer. Whichever your favorite is," I managed a smile, even though every part of me felt like it was fit to burst at the seams.

He returned moments later with a glass full of frothy, amber liquid. I nervously took a sip and smiled up at him. He looked as if he was about to say something, when someone at the other end of the bar called to him. With a final glance towards me, he walked away.

I sighed out a deep breath and shuffled in my seat. I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head as I thought of what a dork I was being. Josh and I kept glancing towards each other, and each time we made eye contact he would smirk and I would feel my heart speed up. I nervously unbuttoned the first few buttons of my shirt, feeling Josh's eyes on me the whole time. I heard him clear his throat and looked up to find that he was standing right in front of me again.

"So, if you don't mind my asking, what brings you in for a drink at 5 pm?" he grinned, holding eye contact. I swallowed hard and tried to form a somewhat intelligible sentence.

"I was just in the area, so I figured I'd just grab a beer, you know..." I tried, my words drifting off towards the end.

"Ah, so no big existential crisis? No life altering realizations that can only be solved by the magic of alcohol?" he chuckled, and my heart thudded. Yeah, actually, you're the reason I came in here to drink in the first place.

I just managed a shake of my head, and Josh continued. "So you live around here?" he asked casually, drying off a glass with a dishtowel.

"Uh, no, actually, I live up by Oak Park," I said, wondering if he would even know what I was talking about. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Oak Park? That's an hour from here, dude. And yet I've seen you around here twice?" he chuckled. I felt a blush rise in my cheeks as I stared at my lap, my hands going to my hair out of habit.

"I really like it down here..." I started, at a loss for words. "Do you?" I asked. He looked momentarily confused before I continued, "Live around here?" I said quietly.

"Oh! Yeah, I actually have an apartment on Venice Beach," he smiled. I was shocked for a moment, knowing how expensive those apartments are. He must have seen the look on my face, as he sighed and explained, "Inheritance. From super rich and super dead grandparents."

We made small talk for a while as I slowly finished my beer. As we talked, I became slowly less nervous and found myself able to speak in full, coherent sentences. I was having a good time talking to Josh, until thoughts of Jenna and subsequent guilt began creeping into my head.

I'm allowed to have friends though, right? I mean, friends that I fantasize about being in bed with, but Josh is still just a stranger...

"I get off work in about an hour, would you maybe want to... grab dinner or something?" Josh smiled at the ground as he posed the question, running his fingers through his blue curls. I almost passed out right then and there. I'm sure he wasn't asking me out on a date, he probably wasn't even gay, but the thought of being alone with him all evening made my stomach do a somersault.

"I gotta go," I choked out, standing up and turning to leave. Josh looked confused and even a little bit disappointed, but he didn't say anything else. He just watched me swing open the door and make a beeline for my car.

"Shit," I sighed to myself as I sat in my car. "Fuck."

I had no idea what to feel or think. My mind was going 100 miles per hour and almost all of my thoughts made me sick with guilt and shame. I needed to stay away from this beautiful, blue-haired stranger, no matter how badly my mind wanted to see him.

*

That night, something incredible happened in my dreams. I found myself standing completely alone on Venice Beach, watching in silence as the waves lapped over the shore. Although it was eerily empty, I felt a sense of peace. As I stood still and stared out over the ocean, I heard light footsteps in the sand behind me, and I turned around to see Josh grinning at me.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" he referenced with his arm towards the ocean. I felt his hand come down and grasp mine. I was shocked and almost pulled my hand away, when a sense of realization washed over me.

"Is this a dream?" I grinned back at Josh, running my thumb across the surface of his hand. He raised my hand to his lips and gently kissed it, before letting out a light laugh.

"What do you think?" he looked around, staring at the completely deserted beach.

"If I'm dreaming, I can do anything I want, right?" I asked, turning to look at Josh.

He looked into my eyes with a slight smile. "Right."

I pulled him into me and gently pressed my lips against his. He kissed back and I felt him smile through the kiss, as his hand snaked around my waist and pulled me closer.

I woke up with a start, to find it was still the middle of the night and Jenna was sleeping peacefully next to me. I cursed under my breath as I tried to forget what it felt like to have his lips against mine in my sleep.

*

The next week passed as usual, my thoughts still clouded by visions of Josh. I was particularly distracted one evening, and I was pulled out of a pleasant daydream when I felt Jenna's hand on mine across the dinner table.

"Ty? Baby, is everything okay?" she questioned, searching my eyes for answers. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it gently, before taking a breath and answering her as confidently as possible.

"Yes, of course."

"You've been... distracted recently," she began, and I felt my heart speed up. "Did something happen? Why are you acting distant?" The look in her eyes seemed to beg for answers, and I felt my heart twist with guilt.

"Everything is fine, sweet pea," I said as I kissed her hand.

I couldn't believe I'd let visions of Josh creep into my head even as I sat with my fiancée. I felt awful, but she was right. I was distracted, and I was distant. We'd barely spoken all week, and my every waking moment was clouded by thoughts of a nose ring, a tattoo, a head of beautiful blue hair.

*

That morning in the shower, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I cried. I let silent tears fall down my face and be washed away by the stream of water from above me.

I've always been emotional. I used to cry myself to sleep at night if I failed a test or my parents got upset with me. And sometimes I would cry for no reason at all. But right now, my tears have meaning. They mean that I hate myself for who I am, and more than that I hate myself for who I want.

I had to see him again. I had to know him.

*

After work I drove as fast as I could towards Venice Beach. I could already feel my heart pounding just at the thought of seeing Josh again. I had no idea what to say. I opened my car door with shaky hands and walked towards the bar I'd seen Josh at a little over a week ago. I took a deep breath as I swung the door open.

And there he was, standing behind the bar, looking as gorgeous as ever in a white t-shirt and an apron. He was wiping down the counter when he heard me come in, and when he lifted his eyes to see me he looked shocked. I gave him a little smile and an awkward wave as I shuffled my feet. He responded by raising an eyebrow at me, quizzically, and gesturing towards a seat. With another deep breath, I sat down in front of him.

"What can I get you?" he said in a flat voice. He continued wiping the counter and didn't meet my gaze. It was strange to me that he was acting so impersonal, and then I realized that we were still technically strangers. Not only that, but I'd practically run away from him twice now. I felt my heart sink at his words. I paused, contemplating an answer, when Josh finally looked up at me impatiently. After a few more moments of painfully awkward silence, he sighed heavily and turned to walk towards another customer. I gulped before somehow finding the strength to speak.

"Josh?" I said quietly, hands in my lap. He stopped in his tracks and turned to me.

"If I start a conversation with you, are you going to get all weird and bolt again?" His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He thinks I'm weird. Fuck.

"I'm sorry Josh, I really am," I began, but he didn't look convinced. "Can I take you up on that dinner offer now?" I smiled shyly at him.

He looked at me for a moment, seeming to contemplate his answer. For a second, I believe I'd fucked up and that he didn't want to speak to me anymore. But then he broke out in a grin, that huge, stupid beautiful grin, and laughed.

"Of course, I get off at 6," he said with a smirk, and then he walked away, leaving the rest up to me. The clock on my phone read 4:37 pm. I had some time to kill. I smiled to myself at the thought of going to dinner with Josh as I walked out of the bar, not really sure what to do with myself until 6.

I walked down the street with a spring in my step as I thought about Josh. I laughed at myself for having such a silly schoolboy crush. It was ridiculous, and it was so wrong in so many ways, and for a moment I considered just getting in my car and driving home, but my curiosity got the best of me. I had thought about this gorgeous blue-haired stranger every day since we collided on Venice Beach, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get him out of my head.

I spent the next hour or so browsing shops, and when I realized that it was already 5:55 I felt like I might drop dead. I can't remember ever being so nervous in my entire life. My palms were sweating and my hands were shaking like crazy as I quickly walked back towards the bar, which I had just realized was called The Venice Tavern. I stood outside for a moment, peering through the window in hopes to catch a glance of Josh, and there he was, heading towards the door. He was wearing a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans that were ripped at the knees, and Doc Martens. It was so simple and yet he looked so unbelievably hot. When he saw me looking at him through the window, he grinned and waved. I waved back as I struggled to breathe properly.

"Hey stranger," Josh grinned as he approached me. "Honestly, I'm surprised you showed up, Mr. 'I've gotta go,'" he chuckled. I felt a mixture of guilt and embarrassment swirl in my stomach at the nickname.

"Well here I am, vowing to spend the whole evening with you, so right now I guess I'm Mr. 'Where are we going to dinner?'" I cringed at myself, but Josh laughed.

"There's a great pizza place a few blocks from here, you in?" Josh asked, pointing in the general direction of the pizza. My eyes immediately lit up.

"Um, of course!" I enthused, overjoyed at the idea of eating pizza. Josh laughed again and I immediately felt a little silly.

"Right this way," he said as he began walking towards the pizza place, me following close behind.

 

 

"A middle school music teacher? Are you for real?" Josh burst out laughing after swallowing a bite of pizza.

"Hey, at least I went to college," I retorted with a giggle.

"Ouch!" Josh pretended to look hurt. "And you... do you like that? Your job?" Josh asked casually, taking another huge bite of the pizza we'd almost completely devoured.

The question seemed simple but it was something I tried not to think about. I didn't, at all. My life was so monotonous and painfully boring, and I ached for excitement. My job sucked the life out of me and most days I felt more like I was a middle aged man.

"Well, it's fine," I tried, deciding it was easier to lie. But every part of my mind told me that I needed to be honest with Josh, that I could trust him. I sighed and started again. "No, I don't like it. I'm only 24 and I don't know, I just feel so... so trapped."

Josh looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue, so I did. "I used to dream about growing up and playing music for a living," I said dreamily. "I always thought that one day I'd move to a big city and reinvent myself, I thought someday I'd finally feel free. But now, thousands of miles from home, I feel just as stuck as ever."

Josh sat in quiet concentration for a moment, and I felt incredibly vulnerable as his eyes searched mine. "You play music?"

I couldn't help but smile at his curiosity. "Yeah, I play a little piano and ukulele, but I love writing and I love singing." I loved getting to talk about music.

"No shit! That's fucking sick dude!" Josh grinned huge, and I returned it. "I play the drums!"

My smile got even wider as I realized that Josh was even more incredible than I could ever have imagined.

We talked about music passionately for the next couple of hours, and it wasn't until I felt my phone buzzing that I realized that it was almost 9 pm. Fuck.

1 new message

Jenna: Tyler where are you?

"Oh... shoot..." I mumbled as I looked at my phone. Josh looked concerned.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's just getting late and I should head home," I smiled, trying to hide how mortified I was. I hadn't thought about Jenna all evening. What kind of fiancé was I?

"Oh, yeah, that's fine dude," Josh said as he followed me hurriedly out of the pizza shop. "Tyler?" he called out, once I'd gotten a few steps ahead of him. I turned around as he caught up with me. "Can I... will I get to see you again?" he asked, nervously smiling at the ground and scratching the back of his head.

I felt butterflies in my stomach as my face went hot. "Yeah, I'd love that," I said quietly, also looking at the ground. Josh handed me his phone and I looked up to meet his eyes.

"In case, you know, you wanna put in your phone number?" I couldn't help but giggle at how high school this whole thing seemed. But I'd never really done the whole high school crush thing, so I wasn't complaining.

"Night, Josh," I smiled as I handed his phone back.

"Night, Tyler." The way his eyes crinkled in the corners as he grinned at me made my heart flutter.

We stood in awkward silence for several more moments, every once in a while making eye contact and giggling. "I should go," I finally said.

Josh looked like he had something else to say but just said a final goodbye and then turned and walked in the other direction. I had to take several deep breaths to steady my heart rate as I walked back towards my car, unable to stop smiling.

On the car ride home, the night's events kept playing and replaying in my mind, and once again I'd totally forgotten about Jenna until I opened the door to see her sitting on the couch, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed.

"Tyler, goodness gracious, I've been worried sick. I texted you an hour ago!" she said, raising her voice. I flinched at the anger in her eyes.

"Sorry, sweetie pie, I just went downtown to do some... shopping," I said, hoping the nickname would soften her a bit.

"Downtown? You mean like Los Angeles?" she questioned.

I swallowed hard. "Yup," was all I could manage. She shook her head at me.

"Why in the hell did you drive all the way down there? And what were you shopping for?" she asked, gesturing to the fact that I had no bags in my hands.

"There's this new big... music store there. I looked for, well, a few hours, but didn't buy anything." Surprisingly, my lie seemed convincing enough for her.

"Just tell me where you're going next time, Ty," she said as she walked over to plant a kiss to my lips.

"Of course, baby," I smiled.

*

I had another lucid dream that night. This time I found myself sitting in a very familiar pizza shop. After I processed my surroundings, I called out for Josh.

"Tyler, long time no see," Josh said as he appeared out of nowhere and sat across from me. "What's on your mind?"

I furrowed my brows together. "Why are you always in my dreams?"

Josh laughed and smirked. "I wasn't even here until you wanted me to be," he said, pointing a finger at me. "Something's on your mind."

I sat in silence for a moment before looking at Josh and cocking my head. "How do you think Jenna would feel about this?" I said, pointing at Josh and then myself.

"What, you mean you dreaming about some guy?"

"Well, maybe. But mostly, me hanging out with 'some guy,'" I said with air quotes.

"But we're just friends, right?" Josh asked, suddenly taking a bite out of a piece of pizza that hadn't been there a moment ago. I gulped. "Or are we?" Josh smirked, leaning across the table to put his hand on mine.

"I'd say yes, but this is a dream, and so I guess I can be honest," I shrugged. Josh let out a loud laugh.

"Tell me what's on your mind, pretty boy."

I blushed at the nickname. "I'm not gay." I stated suddenly. Josh pulled his hand away.

"Wait a minute pretty boy, what happened to honesty?" Josh asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"I'd know if I was gay. I'd know if I had feelings for a guy," I huffed, leaning back in my seat. Suddenly, Josh was standing behind me, although I hadn't seen him stand up. He began slowly massaging my shoulders and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

He leaned in and pressed his lips to my ear. "Would you?" he whispered, planting a kiss below my ear and trailing them down my neck. My breath hitched as he slid his hands over my shoulders and down my chest, tugging at the hem of my shirt.

"I want you, Josh," I moaned.

And then I woke up.

I took a cold shower.

As the freezing water beat down on me, I cried again. I was scared and confused and incredibly conflicted about what I was feeling. I didn't want to think about Josh this way. I couldn't.


	4. a sunset

Three days later, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I grinned as I read the message across my screen.

Unknown Number: Hey, Mr. "I've gotta go." What are you up to tonight?

I smirked as I typed out my reply.

Me: That depends. Got anything irresistibly exciting planned?

Josh: Do I ever. Meet me at the tavern @ 7.

I couldn't wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the school day.

*

I glanced down at my phone. 5:57 pm. I had to get going. Jenna and I were on the couch, watching some show that I wasn't paying attention to. I took my arm from around her shoulder and stood up.

"Uh, baby, I'm going out to grab a drink with some of the guys from work. I promised I'd be there around 6." I said, grabbing my car keys off the coffee table.

She didn't look up from her show. "Oh, alright. Who's gonna be there?"

I swallowed hard, and thought of the first coworker that I could. "Brendon." I blurted out, hoping that I couldn't somehow get caught in this stupid lie.

"Have fun," Jenna smiled up at me. I raced out of the door and unlocked my car with shaky hands.

*

I saw Josh outside The Venice Tavern, checking his phone and glancing around expectantly. I noticed he had a beach towel slung over his shoulder. When he saw me approaching, his eyes lit up and he jogged towards me.

"Tyler!" he grinned, hands in his pockets.

"Josh," I replied, giggling. "I believe I was promised something irresistibly exciting," I smirked, looking into Josh's beautiful brown eyes. Making eye contact with him still made me feel like I was going to melt into a puddle.

Josh returned my smirk. "If we move quickly, we might even make it in time for the sunset!" Josh shouted out, as he began sprinting in the direction of the beach.

"Wait for me!" I shouted after him, trying my best to keep up.

I noticed that today, Josh wore a pink floral print tank top, light wash jeans rolled up at the ankles, and white vans. I wondered if Josh could ever possibly look bad.

I was still in my black work pants, but I'd changed into a loose black tank top and floral print vans. I couldn't help but admire how Josh's ass looked in those jeans as he ran ahead of me. Neither of us could contain our laughter as we sprinted, and then Josh came to a screeching halt in front of an ice cream store. His eyes were wide as he turned to me.

"Please tell me you like ice cream," he pleaded, clasping his fists together and mock-begging. I pretended to think for a second just to tease him.

"Well, Josh," I began, holding back a grin, "today is your lucky day."

After stopping for ice cream, we just barely made it down to the beach in time to watch the sunset. Josh laid his beach towel down horizontally with one hand, still holding on tightly to an ice cream cone in the other. He sat down cross-legged and patted the space beside him, so I took a seat.

Looking out on the water, watching the sun sink beneath the surface, all while feeling Josh's knee pressed against mine felt oddly romantic. The butterflies in my stomach refused to subside and the pounding of my heart made me feel like a teenager again. Occasionally I would see Josh staring at me out of the corner of my eye, and whenever we made eye contact I got to see that beautiful grin, perfect white teeth and eyes crinkling up. The pounding in my heart, the way my palms were sweating, the feeling I got when I looked into his eyes, all of it made me feel so, incredibly, wonderfully, unmistakably alive. And it had been along time since I'd felt alive.

"It's beautiful," I heard Josh whisper just moments before the sun disappeared entirely. I couldn't help but stare at him as his eyes widened in awe. I wondered if he knew how unbelievably gorgeous he was.

I was still staring at him, completely lost in thought, when he spoke out of the blue.

"Is this cheesy?"

My heart skipped a beat at his words. "Is – is what cheesy?"

"This. The ice cream, the beach, the sunset..." he trailed off. "It's all kinda cliché, no?" he grinned at me with his tongue between his teeth.

For a moment, I was completely at a loss for words. Depending on how I answered, he might think this was a date, and it wasn't a date... right? It couldn't be a date, because I'm engaged. It couldn't be a date because I'm not gay.

"Oh, I'm not... you know..." I mumbled, feeling my cheeks blush what I assume was a brilliant shade of red. I was hoping he would know, because I don't think I could bring myself to say it out loud.

"Oh. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable ---" he began, but I cut him off.

"You didn't," I said, still feeling my cheeks burning.

This changed everything. Josh is gay? He thought this was a date? I had too many thoughts and feelings going on in my head all at once. I just needed to get out of there.

"Listen, Josh, I had a great time tonight," I started as I stood up. "But I really gotta go." I said quickly as I tripped over my own feet. Josh's eyebrows were furrowed together, but his eyes were sad. I felt a pit in my stomach as he looked up at me.

"I'm sorry!" I heard him say behind me as I walked to my car.

*

"Seriously?" Josh laughed. "Cheesy, don't you think?"

"Hey, wait a second, this was your idea in the first place!" I shoved Josh's shoulder, and he nearly fell off the beach towel and onto the sand. The sunset in front of us was unbelievably beautiful, and only when I looked at it longer did I realize it had the same swirling patterns as Josh's tattoo.

"Looks familiar, huh?" Josh smirked at me.

"It's the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen," I whispered as I ran my fingers up and down his tattoo. I saw him shiver under my touch.

"Admit it Tyler. Please," Josh leaned in, his lips hovering just above mine.

"I don't know what you're talking about." My heart was pounding in my chest.

"Please," he whispered against my lips. "Please, Tyler. I want you."

I felt my jeans tightening at his words. "Make love to me, Josh." I pressed our lips together and then – I woke up. Fuck. I guess I have to take another cold shower.

*

On my way to work, I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. Dream Josh was right. I needed to admit it. I needed to admit that I wanted Josh and it was driving me crazy. I needed to admit that I needed Josh and it made me feel awful. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I felt my phone buzz.

1 new message

Josh: Hey stranger. wanna chat? pizza place @ 8. you don't have to come if you're not comfortable.

I felt my heart swell up so much I felt like it might burst. I smiled to myself as I set my phone down and entered the school.

Right as I was about to enter my classroom, I heard a voice behind me.

"Yo, Joseph." I turned around, and – it was Brendon. Fuck.

"Hey, Urie, man what's up?" I said, trying to keep my voice steady as we shook hands. He gestured towards the end of the hallway and I followed him. I felt like I might puke.

"Um, Sarah told me that Jenna said we went out last night?" he let out a huge shout of laughter. "Dude, I covered your ass, but I need to know what's going on. Because, listen, I'm not saying I'm a saint but shit man, an affair? Really? That's low, Joseph." Brendon shook his head and whistled.

I tried hard to swallow but nearly choked on my own spit. I felt my head reeling and I wouldn't have been surprised if I blacked out. Should I let him believe I was having an affair? Or do I tell him that I think I'm falling insanely in love with some blue-haired bartender?

Brendon and I have always gotten along, and although we've never been particularly close, right now I needed a friend. I desperately needed an ally. And some weird part of my brain told me that I had to tell someone or my head would explode.

"Can you... keep a secret?" I hushed, looking around to make sure no one was listening. He raised an eyebrow at me and I knew he was probably assuming the worst. "I am not having an affair, Brendon." He let out a sigh of relief and a gentle laugh. "At least not --- physically."

"Holy shit dude, what? So you're mind banging some other chick?" he tried to hold back another shout of laughter. I stared at my feet and swallowed. I heard Brendon sigh dramatically and I looked up. "Yes, I can keep a fucking secret, I'm not a dick, man," he rolled his eyes. I let out a deep breath.

"I'm not mind banging another chick." Brendon blinked in confusion. I slowly repeated myself, my heart racing as I half-heartedly told Brendon what was really happening. "I'm not mind banging another... chick." I bit my lip and looked at him as his eyes widened in realization.

"NO. FUCKING. WAY." I don't think I've ever seen him grinning so huge. I was taken aback by his questionable response. "You're trying to tell me that you're lying to pretty miss Jenna to spend time with a hot guy??" his grin kept getting wider.

I smiled a tiny bit and I could feel myself blushing. All of the sudden I felt Brendon pull me in for an incredibly tight hug. For a moment, I was bewildered, and I almost stumbled backwards just from the sheer force of the hug. I slowly and cautiously wrapped my arms around Brendon and patted him on the back. He pulled away from the hug but kept his hands on my shoulders.

"I need to know EVERYTHING." He punctuated his words with a violent shake of my shoulders. Suddenly the first bell rang out above us. Brendon let out a dramatic groan and started walking backwards away from me.

"You're not off the hook Joseph! Meet me at Starbucks after school!"

*

I took an uncomfortable sip of my latte as Brendon grinned at me. I wondered how the fuck it was possible for someone to grin for so long without their cheeks falling off. I knew the only way to get him to stop staring at me was to tell him the story. I sighed before I began.

"So, I had just purchased this record down on Venice Beach..." I began. The story took several minutes to tell, and Brendon looked completely intrigued. I finally finished with, "and I'm going to have a 'chat' with him today." I took another sip of my drink as I avoided eye contact with Brendon.

His mouth was open in shock for a solid 30 seconds before he spoke. "So you're totally into this guy, and he's totally fucking hot?" I nodded. "And you fantasize about him while banging Jenna?" I felt my cheeks go hot as I regretted including that little detail. "Dude... you're in deep. I know you've been with Jenna since like, fucking forever, but it's mad fucked up to pretend like you wanna be with her when you don't. She's hot dude, she'll do fine without you," he chuckled.

I shot my eyes up at him and glared. I contemplated carefully what I wanted to say next. "I can't be gay," I said quietly, shrinking back into my seat. Brendon howled with laughter.

"Dude, are you for fucking real? It's 2017, and you're a Grown. Ass. Man. You can do whatever the fuck you want to! As a matter of fact, you can fuck whoever the fuck you want to!" I couldn't help but smile at his words.

"It's not that simple, Brendon."

"Well it sure as fuck can be! This guy is totally all over you, you're totally all over him, you're totally gay, and you totally deserve to be properly fucked."

I laughed hysterically at this. I knew in that moment that I'd made the right choice trusting Brendon. He gently patted my hand from across the table and continued his pep talk.

"Listen, Tyler, I wouldn't normally encourage a guy dump his fiancée of like, a billion years or whatever," he took a sip of coffee before continuing, "but nothing about this situation is normal. This is some kinda love at first sight type shit. This is mad romantic dude." Brendon pretended to wipe away a tear. "I want you to go out there and be as gay as you can possibly be. Be the gayest of them all. And go get laid by hot bartender guy," he finished, with a final pat on my hand.

My heart was so full of appreciation for Brendon in that moment. He had effectively argued against all of the parts of my brain that told me to stay way from Josh. As terrified as I was for the future, I knew that it had to start now. Brendon and I both stood up, ready to leave, and it was my turn to pull him in for a hug.

"Thank you," I whispered over his shoulder. I felt my eyes sting with tears as I thought about everything he had said to me. He pulled away from me and looked me right in the eyes.

"It's your life, Tyler. It's time you go and live it the way you want to."

*

When I entered the pizza shop, I saw Josh sitting at the same table we had the first time. He was staring at the wall, seemingly lost in thought, a vague frown on his lips. He didn't realize I was there until I pulled out a chair and sat across from him. He smiled a bit as we looked into each other's eyes but he still looked troubled.

"Tyler," he sighed, sounding relieved that I showed.

"Hi," was all I could articulate, feeling even more nervous than usual.

"Listen, I—"

"Josh, I—" We both began at the same time and then nervously giggled. "Go ahead," I said to Josh, staring at my hands.

He let out a huge sigh and began slowly. "Yes, I'm gay. And yes, you're totally cute, so I kinda assumed that we were on a date..." I felt myself blush at the word "cute." Josh continued, "but I'm sorry. It was stupid, and you seem like a totally cool guy, and if you're not super weirded out, we could still totally, like, be friends."

I had no idea what to say. As much as I wanted to tell him the truth, tell him that I haven't stopped thinking about him since the day we met, I just couldn't. My throat closed up and my mind protested. What about Jenna? What about your parents? You can't lose everything for some stranger.

"It's a really pretty night," was all I could say. Josh looked confused so I continued, "wanna go for a walk?"

He smiled at me and nodded, so we made our way out of the restaurant.

Josh and I found our way to a small park, the whole walk there making small talk about the weather, and our jobs, and music. Josh lay down on the grass and stared up at the sky, so I joined him.

"I've always loved stars. I know, maybe it's totally cliché, but they're incredible. I mean, they're beautiful, and we can sit here and enjoy the way they sparkle, but they're actually millions of miles away, just big hot balls of gas, some of which have burned out entirely. It makes me feel so human, so... alive," Josh spoke to the sky.

I turned to him on the word "alive."

"It's amazing how easy it is to forget to feel alive, when we have no choice but to live," I chuckled. I looked back up at the sky as Josh pointed out a constellation. "I feel so, so trapped, like some tiny, insignificant cog in the machine of human life." I sighed deeply. "For God's sake, I'm a 24 year old, I'm basically a kid, and I'm still having my future written out for me, like I'm a puppet. I want to feel free. I've always wanted to just feel free, and I can't even figure out how to live for myself, I can't even figure out what I want!" I spat out the last sentence all in one breath, and then jumped as I felt Josh's hand on mine. I turned my head to him and my heart skipped a beat as I looked into those deep brown eyes, so alive and so full of emotion.

"What do you want, Tyler?" Josh asked, searching my eyes for answers. I felt my throat close up and tears threatened to spill over my eyelashes as he laced our fingers together. "What do you really want? How can you feel... free?" He whispered the last word as he shuffled his body closer to mine. He turned on his side and came so close to me that I could feel his breath on my neck, as he unlaced our fingers and reached his hand across my chest to gently hold the side of my neck. The tears forming at the bottoms of my eyes silently fell down across my face as he rubbed his thumb against my skin. I closed my eyes as I continued to cry, unable to stop the tears. Josh sat up suddenly as I remained on my back, face towards the sky and eyes still shut.

"Tyler?" Josh asked delicately. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" I kept my eyes closed but felt the pads of his thumbs wipe away my tears, which only caused them to come stronger.

"I'm sorry," I managed to choke out, and then Josh was pulling me into his arms and I cried softly into the crook of his neck. He shushed me gently as he rocked me back and forth and ran his fingers through my hair.

We sat there in silence for what must have been another hour, until my tears subsided and the night had grown slowly colder around us. I lifted my head to look up at Josh, and he met my gaze and gave me a sympathetic smile.

"Do you want to talk to me, Tyler?" I nodded quickly and lay back down on the ground. Josh lay down next to me and pulled me onto his chest, tangling our legs together on the soft grass.

"I grew up in a very strict household. Christian." I sniffled quickly before continuing. "My entire future was written for me, I mean it was nearly impossible to get my parents to let me move out here. And I have spent 24 years unable to feel like myself and then you, you crashed into me on the street," I sniffed again and felt Josh's chest rise and fall with laughter as his fingers carded through my hair. "And you made me question everything," I finished slowly, looking up into Josh's eyes. I pulled myself off of his chest and sat up, cross-legged, rubbing my tired eyes. I felt him sit up beside me as I yawned.

"Do you need to get some sleep?" he asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and running his hand up and down my arm. I nodded and he helped me stand up. I felt like such a baby, and I was so embarrassed about crying in front of him. As we walked lazily in the direction of my car, I let out a little laugh.

"You probably think I'm crazy, huh," I began, and Josh tried to interrupt before I continued. "I'm a grown man who still whines about his life and cries," I laughed, sniffling as I felt tears sting my eyes again. Josh stopped in his tracks and grabbed my shoulders, swinging me around to face him.

"Hey. Tyler. Hey, look at me." Josh said firmly, so I weakly lifted up my head and looked into his eyes. "You are not crazy, Tyler. I spent years running from myself, denying who I really was, hiding from who I really wanted to be," Josh smiled at me, and I felt my heart speed up. He knows what this is like? "And I want to help you realize that it's okay, you're okay," he assured me, pulling me in for a hug and rocking me back and forth. I nodded as he repeated, "it's okay" a few more times before planting a kiss to the top of my head. I felt myself melt into his arms, and I wanted nothing more than to stay there with him for the rest of my life. But all good moments have to end, and before I knew it I was sitting in my car. I reached over and grabbed my phone, which I'd left in the car, and almost had a fucking heart attack.

3 missed calls

4 new messages

Jenna: Tyler where are you?

Jenna: Tyler?

Jenna: Please respond baby I'm getting nervous

Jenna: Come home

I sighed as I threw my phone into the passenger seat. Now she really was starting to feel more like my mom.

I didn't return home until past midnight, and when I opened the door Jenna was passed out on the couch with the lights on. I hoped she wouldn't wake up, because I was too damn tired to deal with this shit. But, just my luck, I saw her stirring in her sleep as I shut the door as quietly as possible.

"Jesus fuck Tyler, where the fuck were you?" she groaned, stretching out across the couch. I immediately tensed up and almost puked, because Jenna never cursed. And when she did, she was mad.

"Drinks with Brendon. Then he wanted to go see a late night showing of some new movie, I don't know, he's weird sometimes," I yawned, smiling at her in an attempt to calm her down.

"And so you decided not to tell me?" Yep, she was still mad.

"I left my phone in the car, I'm really sorry baby," I sat down next to her and ran my hand up and down her thigh. Thankfully, she didn't move away from my touch, and so she wouldn't be mad for too much longer.

"You promised you'd tell me where you were going next time, Ty. You broke a promise," she sighed, now sounding more sad than mad.

"Hey hey hey, Jen, I'm really sorry. I love you," I kissed her forehead.

"I just missed you," she murmured, climbing onto my lap. She mashed her lips into mine and I grabbed her waist to pull her closer. It's going to be a long fucking night.

I woke up the next morning with my arms and legs tangled around Jenna's. We were both completely naked and somehow it felt strange to me, even though we'd been together for 9 years. I crawled out of bed as carefully as possible and hopped into the shower.

I spent 40 minutes just standing there, thinking about Josh. I thought about the rising and falling of his chest under my head, I thought about his hand resting gently on the side of my neck, I thought about our fingers laced together, I thought about what he said to me... "What do you really want, Tyler?" His words bounced around in my head as I stepped out of the shower. I want you, Josh.

But how the fuck do you just break up with the girl you've been dating since you were 15 years old? I needed advice, so I pulled out my phone and called the best person to offer it to me.

*

"Oh, so I heard that we've been spending a lot of late nights together recently," Brendon laughed across our table at Starbucks. I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up."

"Hey, you're just lucky I'm lying for your scrawny ass. I'm basically your hero, Tyler. Without me, you wouldn't be able to sneak off to see your butt buddy," Brendon immediately cracked up as he finished his sentence.

"Oh my GOD, Brendon!" I nearly shouted, flinging my empty coffee cup at him. He was still laughing so hard that tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. "We are not 'butt buddies!'"

"Yet," Brendon added with a final giggle before he settled down. "Let's get down to business, TJ. You said you needed my help, so here I am, your knight in shining armor," he grinned. I decided to cut straight to the chase.

"How do I break up with Jenna?" I spilled out quickly.

"Damn, dude, you don't waste any time," he laughed, shaking his head. "Do you know how proud I am of you? Finally living out your wildest, gayest fantasies."

"Brendon, as much as I'd love to giggle with you right now, breaking up with your fiancée isn't as funny as it seems," I rolled my eyes at him. Brendon looked into the distance, deep in thought, before he spoke again.

"How about you write her a breakup song? OR, how about like, an anti-proposal? You know, you get down on one knee, say 'I'm leaving you for a man,' and then snatch the ring off her finger," Brendon tried to keep his face as straight as possible.

"Jesus God Brendon, couldn't you at least try to be a little more sensitive?"

Brendon sighed and grabbed my hand. "Look, dude. There's no easy way to break someone's heart. I know, it fucking sucks, but you know it's what you want, and what she deserves."

I felt a pang of guilt at the mention of breaking Jenna's heart. Oh my God. I'm gonna break her heart. The woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with, the one I promised to love forever.

"Hey, even if shit doesn't work out with pretty blue-hair boy, you're still gay, my friend," Brendon had a look of genuine sympathy in his eyes. "You can't live the rest of your life lying to everyone you know, and to yourself. You know it's the right thing to do."

He was right. But I was so fucking scared.


	5. the end of an era

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that you guys are already liking this!! thank you so much for your support!

Days went by without hearing from Josh. _Maybe it’s easier this way,_ I thought. _If he never talks to me again, I don’t have to end things with Jenna._ But maybe Brendon was right. Maybe I had to end things no matter what.

Finally, after almost a week, I received a text from Josh.

**1 new message**

Josh: **hey you, long time no see. Wanna have more existential crises together?**

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.

Me: **I’d love to. Pizza place, or the tavern?**

Josh: **how about I come to you this time? What’s good in Oak Park??**

Me: **not much. this town is tiny. How about starbucks?**

Josh: **sounds perfect. how’s 7?**

Me: **see you then.**

I giggled to myself like a kid as I thought about seeing Josh later.

 

*

 

I nervously fidgeted with the hem of my t-shirt as I waited for Josh to arrive. I bounced my leg for what seemed like an eternity until I heard the bell above the door jingle, and when I looked up I was met with that beautiful grin. I stood up as he walked towards me, feeling the butterflies in my stomach dance around. He pulled me in for a hug and I was dizzy with desire as his scent surrounded me, but only a moment later he released me from his arms and walked up to the counter to get us each a coffee.

“Follow me,” I said with a smirk as I headed towards the door, coffee in hand. Josh looked at me and raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

We began the short walk to the nearest park, and Josh’s eyes lit up with excitement as I ran towards the swings and sat down. He took a seat on the swing next to me and laughed softly.

“It’s no ocean, but it’ll do,” I said, gesturing towards the man-made pond a few hundred yards in front of us. Josh let out a huge laugh as he turned to look at me.

“It’s perfect,” he grinned, and he looked so beautiful. The glow of the setting sun reflected off of his fading blue hair, and I saw it sparkle in his warm eyes. I noticed his broad shoulders and muscular stature, a sharp contrast from my skinny frame. He wore a simple all black outfit with a leather jacket, and all I could think about was planting kisses across his jawline. When I realized that I was staring, I turned my attention towards the rapidly setting sun.

“Do you think it’s more or less cheesy now that we’re on swings instead of a beach?” I wondered aloud. Josh hummed in contemplation for a moment.

“I’d have to go with less. Can’t get much more cliché than a beach, my friend,” he giggled. I let out a dramatic sigh.

“Guess I’ll have to try harder next time.”

“Oh no, don’t worry, this is still beautifully cheesy,” Josh smiled at me, taking a last sip of his coffee. He got up to throw our coffee cups away, and when he returned I stood up from my swing and took his hand. He looked down at our hands momentarily, and I swear I could see him blushing. I then began running across the grass towards the pond, dragging him behind me.

I stopped right before we approached the pond and flopped down onto a patch of grass, dragging Josh down with me. He landed next to me with an ‘Oof!’ and I couldn’t help but laugh. Josh was laughing too as he rolled over onto his back.

“This seems familiar,” I said as I joined him, staring up at the sky.

“Hey, nothing inspires existential crises more than the stars, am I right?”

I couldn’t help but smile at Josh as he looked up at the night sky in wonder.

The incredible thing about Josh was that conversation with him never felt forced. We just talked for hours, about nothing and about everything, and I never got bored. He told me about his dreams of being a drummer when he was younger, and how his parents had wanted him to be something more “practical,” like a doctor or a lawyer. I was amazed at how casually he was able to tell me about how both of his parents had died, his dad in a car crash when Josh was 14, and his mom from lung cancer when he was 16. He then had to move from his home in Arizona to live with his grandparents in Los Angeles, the ones from which he’d inherited a great sum of money. Josh had no living relatives. His story made me ache with sadness. As much as I complained about them, I still had my parents.

“But music has always been a constant in my life. I can use it to escape from just about anything, and it makes me feel so alive. It just gives me… purpose, you know?”

I nearly cried at his words, because I knew exactly what he was talking about. Music had always been there for me, a way to get out my thoughts and feelings when I felt alone and trapped. I’d never met someone with the same passion for music as me and it made my heart fill with happiness.

We turned to face each other on the grass. All I could think about as we gazed into each other’s eyes was how badly I wanted to kiss him, to feel his arms around me again. Josh smiled at me as he spoke.

“I really like spending time with you, Tyler,” he said quietly, glancing down briefly at my lips before making eye contact again. I felt myself blushing, and I prayed that it was dark enough outside that he wouldn’t be able to tell. The moment was so unbelievably romantic and so incredibly perfect that it wasn’t until Josh was grasping the side of my face and leaning towards me that I came to my senses.

“I’m engaged,” I blurted out, pulling away quickly and sitting up. _Why the fuck did I just say that?_ I guess he had to know at some point, but this didn’t feel like a good way to break the news. Josh sat up slowly and ran his hand down his face.

“You… what? And you didn’t feel the need to tell me until now?” Josh sounded truly hurt and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“I didn’t… I, um…” I had no idea what to say. What did he want me to say?

Josh sighed next to me. “Jesus, Tyler, don’t act like there’s nothing going on here.” I swallowed and stared at my knees in front of me. “Look at me.”

I turned slowly to face Josh and brought my eyes up to meet his. I’d never seen him look so upset before. He brought his hand to the side of my face again and leaned towards me so that our foreheads were touching.

“Tell me you feel nothing for me Tyler,” he whispered. “Tell me that what we’re doing here doesn’t mean something to you.”

“I—I can’t,” I breathed out, holding back tears.

He suddenly pulled away from me and stood up. “Then think about that next time you’re with your fiancée,” he said coldly before turning around and walking away. I felt my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach and my eyes welled up with tears.

“Josh,” I said quietly as he walked away from me. “Josh!” I shouted, but he kept walking. I brought my knees up to my chest and sobbed quietly.

_I fucked everything up._

 

*

 

Me: **I’m sorry, Josh. Please let me explain.**

It had been 4 days since the last time I saw Josh, and I’d texted him every day. Still no response. I couldn’t believe what my life had become. Everything used to be so simple; I was going to marry Jenna and we would live happily ever after. But then I decided on a whim to go to Venice Beach one day and everything changed. Josh came into my life and made me question everything about myself, and I couldn’t stand how badly I wanted to be with him. If losing Jenna was the price I had to pay to be with Josh, and I knew it was, I was willing to pay it. I had to know what it would be like to let myself truly love someone.

Jenna was still telling me every day how I was acting “distant,” and at this point she was truly worried about me. We barely spoke and most days when I returned from work my eyes would be red with tears.

“Ty, I need you to tell me what’s going on, or I can’t help you,” she said across the table as I sent a message to Josh. All of the sudden tears started falling down my cheeks.

“Jenna,” I said quietly, my voice breaking in the middle. I looked up to meet her eyes. “Jenna, I’m so sorry.”

“Ty, sweetheart, oh God what happened?” I stood up from the table and kicked the back of my chair, causing her to jump. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

I let out a huge laugh, but nothing was funny. “Has it ever occurred to you that we don’t even know each other? Has it ever occurred to you to question what the fuck we’re really doing here?” She flinched at my tone. She looked like she wanted to argue, but no words came out. “This, us, what even is this? We’re kidding ourselves if we act like this relationship was ever supposed to make it out of high school.” Jenna began crying too.

“But I – I love you, Tyler,” she spoke through her tears. I couldn’t stand to make her upset.

“Fuck!” I yelled in frustration, slamming my hand on the table. She jumped again and let out a sob. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. “Jenna, we have known each other our whole lives, I have spent every day since I graduated high school with you, of course I love you too. But are we really _in_ love? Would we even know what that means?” Jenna stopped crying and wiped her nose.

“Are you breaking up with me?” she spoke quietly, staring at the floor. More tears fell from my eyes at her words.

“Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to know if there’s more? Don’t we owe it to ourselves to find out what true love feels like?” I said quietly. Jenna suddenly stood up out of her chair and flung her arms around me.

“I will always love you Tyler,” she spoke into my chest. “And the years we’ve spent together will always mean something to us, I know they will. Maybe it’s time to let go.”

I pulled away to look into her eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It had never occurred to me that maybe she understood that our relationship had run its course. I wiped the tears off her cheeks and planted a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you Jenna,” I said as I rocked her in my arms. “I want the best for you.”

 

*

 

I woke up on the couch the next morning to find that I’d received a text from Josh.

Josh: **Meet me at the tavern today @ 10? I’m not working but I can get us free drinks. I need to know what’s going on**

My heart hammered in my chest as I typed a reply with shaky fingers.

Me: **I’ll be there.**

As I hit send, Jenna walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen, already fully dressed for work. “Morning, Ty,” she called out casually.

“Um, good morning, Jenna.”

“So,” she began, scooping coffee grounds into the machine. “Shouldn’t we talk about where we go from here? I might head back to Ohio.”

The thought of her actually leaving, of this all being over, still made my stomach turn. “Is that really what you want?”

She sighed. “Ty, I think it’s time for both of us to move on and start new lives. Your life is here, but mine is still back in Ohio,” she smiled at me. I was in shock at how well she was taking the whole breakup thing. “I’ve started packing my stuff, I’ll be outta here by next week.”

“I’ll miss you, Jenna.”

“I know, I’ll miss you too. I guess this is the end of an era, huh?” She poured herself a mug of coffee and sat at the table. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt and regret as I thought of our last 9 years together. I didn’t want to think of them as being a waste of time, Jenna would always be important to me. But she was right; it was time to start new lives. And I hoped that my new life involved a gorgeous blue-haired bartender.

 

*

 

When I walked into the tavern, Josh was sitting by himself at the bar; wearing ripped black skinny jeans and a loose white tank top. Every time I saw him it amazed me how incredibly hot he looked. Feeling my heart speed up in my chest, I took the seat next to him. He turned to me and smiled slightly.

“So what are you drinking?” I was surprised that he didn’t immediately expect me to explain everything to him, but I figured he’d ask when he was ready.

“Um, whatever you’re having,” I smiled nervously and twisted my hair.

“Two rum and cokes, please,” Josh said to the bartender who shook her head of bright orange hair and laughed.

“You’re lucky I like you, Josh. I don’t go around giving free drinks to just anyone,” she grinned.

“Love you Hayley!” Josh blew a kiss at her. He slapped me on the arm and motioned towards her, “That’s Hayley.”

I smiled and awkwardly waved. “Hi. Tyler.”

“Well aren’t you cute,” she said as she winked at Josh. I felt myself blush.

 

Several drinks later, Josh and I had somehow managed to talk about everything except for Jenna. We were now discussing some of our favorite childhood memories and I was really feeling the effects of the alcohol.

“My dad tried to help me build one of those science fair volcanoes,” I began, slurring my words, “and it exploded _everywhere._ My mom made us clean up the whole thing and it took like, an hour. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad more scared than when she was yelling at us,” I cracked up. Josh burst into laughter as he finished his fourth drink.

“Dude, you should’ve seen the look on my grandmas face the first time I dyed my hair. I was 17, and it was bright red, and she nearly had a heart attack right then and there!” We both burst into laughter again, cheeks red from the alcohol. It was past midnight by now and I wondered how I was going to get home.

“I should probably get going,” I tried to stand up, but ended up collapsing into Josh’s arms.

“Woah there big shot, you aren’t driving anywhere,” Josh laughed as he stood up and led me out of the bar.

“What? Where am I gonna sleep?” I stumbled down the street, leaning on Josh for support.

“It’s fine, I’ve gotcha,” Josh assured as I tripped over my own feet, earning a laugh from him. “Lightweight much?”

I giggled and rested my head on his shoulder. “Maybeeeee.”

We stumbled like this awkwardly for about 10 minutes until we reached Josh’s apartment. It was pretty small but offered a beautiful view of Venice Beach. As he shut the door behind us, I walked towards the couch in the middle of the room and collapsed face first. Josh lifted up my legs to sit next to me, and then laid them back down on his lap.

“I can’t breathe,” I spoke, my voice muffled by the couch cushion.

“Then sit up, silly,” Josh chuckled. I rolled over, my feet still on his lap, and stared at the ceiling.

“Hungry,” was all I could manage to get out.

Josh ordered us a pizza and while we waited for it to arrive, we flipped through the TV and ended up watching some crime show. By the time that we finished the entire pizza, I had sobered up a bit, but I was still tipsy.

Josh and I were sitting next to each other on the couch, not directly touching but our thighs were pressed together and every time his hand or arm would brush up against me I would feel my heart pound. It was driving me crazy that Josh hadn’t asked about Jenna yet, so I felt like I had to bring her up.

“Josh?”

“Hm?”

“You haven’t asked about my fiancée.”

A huge sigh. “Right. Your fiancée. Care to explain?”

“Her name is Jenna. I’ve known her for as long as I can remember, and we started ‘dating’ when we were 15 years old,” I gulped, and I could tell that Josh was avoiding looking at me. He’d scooted farther away from me on the couch. “We got engaged right after her 19th birthday. It was what my parents wanted. As a matter of fact, all of it was what my parents wanted.” He glanced over at me briefly. “But it wasn’t what I wanted. I mean she, she wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t in love with her. I’d known that for a long time. But then, then this super hot stranger with blue hair bumped into me on the street, and I knew it wasn’t right to keep lying to her anymore.” His eyes lit up as he came into the story. He looked me right in the eyes as I continued. “I broke up with her Josh. I broke up with her for you.”

He stared at me in awe for a moment in complete silence. And then he leaned towards me on the couch, grabbed my face with both of his hands, and pressed our lips together. I was so shocked that I was unable to move for a moment, but when I was able to process what was happening, I leaned in towards him to deepen the kiss. Every part of my body went into overdrive as I felt his lips against mine. My heart was trying to explode out of my chest and I felt like I was flying. Nothing had ever felt like this in my life before, and all I wanted was to keep kissing him for the rest of time.

As we slowly continued kissing, our mouths working together perfectly, he slowly pushed me onto my back on the couch and climbed on top of me. We broke apart momentarily to catch our breath and he looked straight into my eyes as he stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. He leaned in again, slowly, and pressed our lips together very gently. The kiss began slowly and delicately, but grew in intensity as lust took control.

Josh sat back up and pulled me onto his lap and began planting kisses on my neck. Every inch of me desired more and I felt my head reeling. I buried my fingers in his hair and brought his face up to meet mine again, so that I could crash our lips together. I tugged on his hair softly as his tongue entered my mouth and danced with mine. Then it was my turn to plant kisses up and down his neck and across his jawline. He had one hand on the back of my head and the other on my waist. I felt myself slowly getting harder and so I gently rolled my hips into Josh’s, earning a gentle moan that made me twitch with desire. I did it again, harder this time, and I was the one to let out a moan into Josh’s ear.

“Shit,” Josh mumbled as I slowly grinded into him.

I kissed him again, passionately, as I trailed my hands up and down his chest. I scooted down Josh’s legs a bit to press my hand onto him through his jeans, and he let out a long, low moan.

“Ty, Ty wait,” Josh panted. I loved the way the nickname sounded coming out of his mouth. “Tyler, maybe we should slow down, yeah?” He was still breathing heavily, and I could feel him pressed up against my hand, fully hard. I pouted at him and he laughed lightly before leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to my bottom lip. “It’s been a long day, Ty.”

I whined gently but started to think that he was right. Every part of me ached with desire, but I was still slightly intoxicated, and I had broken up with my fiancée only a day ago. I begrudgingly rolled off of his lap and caught my breath, feeling my eyelids grow heavy. Josh let out a yawn next to me, and after I returned it he stood up and took my hand. He led me to his bedroom and I slowly climbed into his bed. Josh kicked his shoes off and then laughed as he pulled mine off of my feet. He climbed into bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me, planting a kiss on the back of my neck.

“Goodnight, Tyler,” he mumbled, and I felt him smile against my neck.

“Night,” I replied, returning his smile as I drifted off to sleep.


	6. a leap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first time ever writing smut, so here ya go. also i apologize for how long this chapter is haha

That night, as I slept in Josh’s arms, it was Jenna who visited me in my dream. We were walking through the town square of Bentley Falls, Ohio, ice cream cones in hand.

“What are you doing here?” I laughed.

“You’re thinking about me, Tyler. I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t thinking about me,” she grinned as she playfully pushed my shoulder.

“I’m sad. Is it weird that I’m sad?”

“9 years, Ty. That’s a long time.”

“How do I learn to move on, Jenna? How do I even begin?” Jenna smiled at me.

“Well, I’d say that gorgeous blue-haired kid might help.” I smiled at the ground and blushed as I thought about Josh.

“I’ve never been good with change, Jen. I’m terrified of the future. What if we made a mistake?” Her smile faded and her tone became serious.

“This had to happen, Ty, you know it did. We would’ve been stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of our lives if you hadn’t finally decided to speak up.”

“I know that. I do, I really do. But now my future is uncertain. And uncertainty scares me. I mean Josh, he… he could really break my heart. I’ve never been this vulnerable with another person.”

“Love is always scary, Tyler. But it’s worth the risk.” I sighed and looked around.

“So this is where it all started, huh? A walk through Bentley Falls and ice cream,” I laughed.

“And look how far we’ve come.” I looked into her pretty blue eyes and grinned.

_I guess this is the end of an era, huh?_

 

*

 

I squinted my eyes against the sunlight as I momentarily wondered where I was. I turned over onto my side to see Josh lying there, sprawled out across the bed, his chest gently rising and falling. I smiled to myself as I thought about everything that had happened last night. This was all so new and so real and I felt so unsure that it made me nauseous. My heart was pounding with renewed force as fears and anxiety swirled around in my head. _What am I doing here?_

I thought about what Jenna had said in my dream, about love being worth the risk. _What if I’m not ready to take a risk? What if he breaks my heart and I end up completely alone?_ I had to get out of there.

As quietly as possible, I rolled out of Josh’s bed, pulled my shoes on, and tiptoed towards the front door. I opened it gently and let out a breath as I leaned my back against his door. It was a gorgeous day, but the sun shining in the sky only worsened my pounding headache. I took my phone out to check the time. 11:23 am. I had a message from Brendon.

**1 new message**

Brendon: **YOU ARE MEETING ME AT STARBUCKS ASAP YOUNG MAN. YOU’VE GOT SOME SERIOUS EXPLAINING TO DO.**

I sighed and rubbed my eyes as I wondered what the hell he was talking about. I was too hungover to deal with this shit. I told him to meet me in an hour and began the walk back to my car.

 

*

 

The second that I walked into Starbucks, Brendon was powerwalking towards me and pulled me towards a table in the back. As soon as we sat down, he began talking much louder than I felt was appropriate.

“Are you kidding me? I thought we had a pact here, man. I’m like, your wise elder brother who gives you life-altering advice and you can’t so much as shoot me a text to say ‘Hey, I just dumped my girlfriend who I’ve been dating since like 5000 BC.’ I mean, c’mon, I had to find out from Sarah, who just so happens to be pissed that her bestie is moving across the country to Nowheresville!” He spoke so quickly that my mind took a moment to catch up.

“Shoot. I swear, I was going to tell you,” I assured him, but he just crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at me. “It hasn’t even been a full 48 hours yet. And I was a little bit distracted yesterday,” I smiled.

Brendon immediately broke out into a grin. “No. Freaking. Way. Holy shit, you got right down to business with pretty boy, didn’t you? You work quickly. I can admire that. I mean, it had barely been a day, and you were already fucking some ---“

“BRENDON!” I shouted, and a few people turned around to stare. “Brendon,” I started more quietly this time, “I did not fuck him.” Brendon looked vaguely disappointed.

“Why not? You dramatically bump into a stranger and fall head over heels for him, and you’re telling me you didn’t fuck him the first chance you got?”

“Brendon, fucking isn’t the only thing on other peoples minds, that’s just you.” He pretended to look hurt as I continued. “You said it yourself, Jenna and I _just_ broke up. Don’t you think it’s a little insensitive to get laid, like, immediately?”

Brendon took a long sip of his coffee and finally shrugged. “Maybe. All I’m saying is, if I were you, we _definitely_ would have banged already. I say go for it.”

“Of course you would. Besides, fucking isn’t the only thing that’s been on my mind. I’m scared shitless, Brendon. I ran out of his house this morning like some college girl after a one-night stand.”

“Wait, slow down, you woke up in his bed but you guys _didn’t_ fuck? Something doesn’t add up here.” I rolled my eyes at Brendon.

“I had a little too much to drink, I was in no state to be driving home.”

“Fine, fine, okay I get it, you two just had a cute little slumber party,” Brendon began, earning another eye roll. “So what’s with you doing the walk of shame then?”

“Because he makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. Good, scary things. I feel nauseous and my palms are sweaty and my heart pounds but all in like, a good way? And I’ve just – I’ve never met someone like him before. It’s all so surreal to me, and these things I’m feeling, I don’t understand. With Jenna and I, everything was easy. We’d known each other forever and there was no fear, no uncertainty. With Josh, I feel like I’m laying everything on the line. And I don’t know if I’m ready to risk everything for someone I barely know,” I spoke quickly, as if saying my fears out loud made them even more real. Brendon looked at me sympathetically and pulled his classic “pat my hand from across the table” move.

“You’re crazy about him, TJ. And I know it’s scary but you just have to leap. You can’t predict the end so why worry about it before anything has even begun? You deserve to be happy.” I could feel tears threatening to sting my eyes as I thought about Brendon’s words. Just then, my phone was buzzing in my pocket.

**Incoming Call: Josh**

I sighed heavily and Brendon raised his eyebrows at me. “That him?”

“Yeah.” A beat of silence.

“So… aren’t you gonna answer?”

“I don’t think so,” I said, putting my phone back in my pocket.

“Did you listen to a word I said?” Brendon half-yelled at me.

I sighed again. “Yes. I wish it were simple. I wish I could just throw myself into this but I’m not ready to trust Josh yet,” but as soon as the words left my mouth I was overwhelmed with the desire to hear Josh’s voice again. Fuck my fears, fuck my anxiety, I was going to let myself fall for Josh.

 

*

 

When I got home, Jenna was sitting on the couch, watching TV.

“Hey,” she said, without looking up.

“Hiya.”

“Where were you last night?” She met my eyes. I opened my mouth momentarily but no words came out. It seemed strange to me that she still wanted to know. Before I could even think of a response, she continued.

“Never mind. So, next order of business, telling our parents.” My heart skipped a beat.

“What, you mean about our breakup?” Jenna giggled.

“Yes Ty, what else? They’ve been rooting for us since the day we met, how do we let them down easy?” Jenna bit her lip and looked genuinely nervous. I thought about what Brendon had said to me. _There’s no easy way to break someone’s heart._

“I don’t think we can. I think we have to tell it like it is and give them time to heal.”

After discussing the most effective method to let both of our parents know at the same time, we settled on an email addressed to all four of them. It was sent from Jenna’s email.

**Dear wonderful parents,**

**This message is coming to you from Jenna and Tyler. There’s no easy way to deliver this news. We have decided to end our engagement. The decision was mutual, and we hope you will learn to understand and support our choice.**

Jenna and I almost laughed as we composed the email. It still felt surreal to both of us, and it still hurt. Moving on is a process, and I knew that Jenna and I both needed time. We spent the rest of the day watching TV or working together to pack Jenna’s things. As we sorted through the rooms of our apartment, we spoke about how we were feeling.

“It hurts, it hurts like crazy, Ty. But we’ll be okay. As a matter of fact, we’ll be happy. I’m gonna go back to Ohio, teach at our old kindergarten, and get married and have some babies of my own.” As soon as she said the sentence, she stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “Sorry. Is that weird? Hearing me talk about who I’m gonna marry?” I chuckled.

“This is all weird, Jen.” I wondered if I should feel some sort of jealousy, hearing her talk about moving on with another man. But all I felt was happy. I was so happy for her. She would get the future she deserved.

“So what about you? What are your grand plans for the future?”

I laughed softly and shook my head. “What else can I do besides teach music?”

“You had dreams once, Tyler. Maybe you sell this apartment and move closer to the city. Maybe you start writing music again.”

“Maybe I should. Thanks, Jenna,” I grinned.

 

*

 

That night I dreamt about Josh.

“Are you avoiding me?” Josh laughed, gripping the chains of his swing.

“Sort of. I guess you could say I’m avoiding my own emotions.”

“I know you want me, Ty.”

“Cocky much?” I laughed, playfully kicking him.

“Friendly reminder that I’m the one who had to slow things down the other night.”

I paused for a moment. “Are you going to break my heart?” Another pause.

“Well I certainly don’t plan on it.”

“And what will my parents say about me being gay? What if they hate me?”

Josh sighed and turned to me, looking right into my eyes. “Tyler. You are 24 years old, completely independent, living all the way across the country from them. I think you’ll be fine. Besides, if they won’t accept you for who you are, who needs ‘em?”

I smiled a bit. “It sucks, feeling like you could be rejected by the people who are supposed to love you most, just for something you can’t change. Something that I still can’t even accept about myself. I’ve never said it out loud, you know.”

Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “You’ve never said ‘I’m gay?’”

“No. It still feels… wrong. I know it’s not. And I know I shouldn’t be ashamed. But I was raised to think that being gay is unnatural and bad and it’s hard to shake an idea that’s been drilled into your mind since you could read.”

“You said it yourself. It’s not a choice. You are perfect Tyler, who you want to be with will never change that. It will never define you. Come on, say it. I dare you,” he grinned at me. I loved seeing him grin.

I took a deep breath and hopped off of my swing, my feet kicking up woodchips around me. I swung around and looked Josh right in the eyes. “I’m gay.” The words still felt foreign coming out of my mouth.

“Good. Now say that when you’re awake.”

“What?” The last thing I remember before I woke up is hearing Josh laugh.

 

I leaned forwards to grab my phone off the coffee table. It was just after 9 am on a Sunday, and I had another message from Josh.

Josh: **Are you avoiding me?**

I had a strange sense of déjà vu as I read the words. I was too crazy about Josh to deny that I desperately wanted to see him.

Me: **Not really. What are you up to today?**

Josh: **How about dinner and a movie? I’m feeling cheesy.**

I couldn’t stop the huge grin that spread across my face as I read his text.

Me: **Count me in.**

Josh: **I was thinking Mediterranean for dinner.**

 

Josh and I texted back and forth for a while, making plans about where and when we were gonna meet. I wondered what I would do all day before I saw him. Jenna was still asleep, so I started the coffee and tried to busy my mind with housework. I would normally never choose to do housework, but I needed to kill time. I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing Josh later. By the time Jenna woke up and walked into the kitchen, yawning, I’d organized and reorganized the entire living room twice. I passed the rest of the day doing busywork and then stressing out about what to wear for at least an hour. I settled on black skinny jeans and a flowy, sleeveless black button down. I nervously paced my bedroom as I waited until it was time to leave. If Jenna did notice I was acting strange, she didn’t mention it. When I left, she had gone off to yoga.

 

I found a parking spot a few blocks from the restaurant where Josh and I were meeting, and I found myself twisting my hair as I got closer. Seeing Josh never failed to give me butterflies that made me feel like a teenager again. When I entered the restaurant, a cute, artsy, Mediterranean place, I saw Josh sitting at a table by the window. He grinned as he saw me coming and stood up to hug me. The hug was far too short for my liking and as always, left me wanting more.

“So you’re ‘not really’ avoiding me, huh? Wanna explain what that means?” Josh grinned at me, causing his eyes to crinkle up and my heart to melt. My heart hammered as I thought of a way to answer his question. Should I be honest? Should I tell him that he drives me crazy and I’ve never wanted someone more and it’s terrifying? I nervously smiled as I thought of what to say, but he spoke again before I had a chance.

“You ran out on me yesterday morning, Tyler,” he smirked. I felt myself blush and I started nervously bouncing my leg.

“Yeah, sorry about that. It’s just that…” I paused for a moment. “I really like you, Josh,” I blurted out suddenly. I felt embarrassed at my sudden outburst of emotion. Josh was blushing like crazy as he laughed. “I just don’t want to take things too fast and mess everything up.” He looked sad as I said these words.

“I really like you too, Tyler,” and then it was my turn to blush. “So much that it seems crazy. You won’t mess up, Ty. And hopefully I won’t either, because I can’t stop thinking about you.” If it was even possible, I blushed a deeper shade of red.

After our romantic little exchange, we made small talk for the rest of our meal. I learned that Josh liked being a bartender, even if it meant he couldn’t be a world famous drummer. He said that not only did he love drumming for fun, it was a good way to get out his emotions. When he talked about music, his eyes lit up and he talked with his hands, and it was so incredible to watch. I loved staring at him as he passionately explained what music meant to him and I felt like I could watch him talk for hours. Eventually, when we were properly stuffed with hummus and pita bread, it was time to go to the movies. We decided to take my car, since he’d walked from his apartment.

“This definitely is cheesy, you know,” I said as we drove towards the theater, the sun setting in front of us. I could feel the warm air rushing through my open window, and I loved how the wind moved Josh’s blue curls. He blushed at my statement, so I continued. “Don’t worry though, I love it. I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for clichés.” Josh’s eyes lit up.

“Me too!” he nearly squealed, bouncing his legs up and down. I always thought he couldn’t possibly get more adorable, and he always proved me wrong.

I think we went to see some action movie, but I was hardly paying attention. I was far more interested in Josh. I liked the way the lights from the screen reflected off of his chocolate colored eyes, and the way he would burst out laughing at every cheesy joke. At some point during the movie, Josh reached over and laced our fingers together. I could feel the tension between us as my heart thudded in my chest. Unable to stop myself, I turned Josh’s face towards mine and planted a gentle kiss on his lips, smiling as I pulled away. Then he grabbed me and connected our lips again, and just like that, we were making out in the back of a movie theater, another high school experience I’d never had.

Tension still surrounded us as we drove back towards Josh’s apartment. My heart refused to slow down and the butterflies in my stomach refused to subside. My mind rushed with thoughts of kissing Josh, so I tried to focus on the road ahead of me. That was until I felt his hand on my thigh, and I already wanted Josh so badly that just that touch was enough to make me burst with desire. After I parked my car outside Josh’s apartment, we both sat there in silence for a moment. It occurred to me that no actual invitation had been extended to me, and all I could do was desperately hope that Josh wanted me as much as I wanted him.

“So, do you wanna, like… come in?” Josh said slowly after a few more moments of awkward silence. I nodded enthusiastically and we both jumped out of the car and walked quickly towards Josh’s door.

Josh fumbled with the keys for a moment before we were walking into his apartment, and I decided to take a moment to really look at my surroundings. The door opened right up to the living room, which was decorated with some art and multiple plants, and there was a huge rack of CDs in the corner. He had a flat screen TV with multiple different gaming systems, and there were video game boxes all over the floor. The apartment was cluttered, but not particularly messy. I liked thinking about how this was where Josh lived, where he spent most of his time, just doing everyday things like watching TV or eating cereal. The living room was the only room I got to analyze in detail for that moment, because Josh was taking my hand and leading me down the hall towards his bedroom. As soon as we were inside, he rounded on me and gently pushed me against the door.

And then his lips were on mine again, and I got that familiar sensation of flying and spinning around in circles at the same time. Our tongues were connecting, he was gently biting my bottom lip, and I ran my hands aimlessly up and down his neck and through his hair. He pulled away momentarily to shrug off his leather jacket, and I took the opportunity to plant soft, open mouthed kisses on the surface of his neck. I spent extra time kissing back and forth across his jawline, remembering a time when this was what I wanted to do more than anything. He let out a little groan and all I could think about was wanting to feel every inch of Josh pressed against my skin. We broke apart again to kick off our shoes and then he was pushing me onto the bed. Our kisses were passionate and driven completely by lust at this point, and we were breathing heavily against each other. He supported himself with a hand on either side of my head as I buried my fingers in his hair and moaned into his mouth.

Josh then sat up on his knees, and pulled me up with him. His fingers wandered down my chest and to the hem of my shirt, where he tugged gently and looked into my eyes for approval. I helped him pull off my shirt and then wasted no time pulling off his. I sat back on my knees for a moment just to appreciate the pure beauty of him. His muscles were just as defined as in my fantasies, and I couldn’t stop myself from running my fingers up and down the ridges of his abs. I also took a moment to gently trace the outlines of his tattoo, studying every inch of it. He returned the gesture by tracing the geometric patterns on my chest and running his rough hands up and down the smooth skin of my arms. And then I was pushing him back onto the bed and climbing on top of him, leaning down to connect our lips once more. I began trailing kisses down his neck to his collarbone, and then all the way down his chest and back up again. Every once in a while he would let out a quiet little moan that would call attention to the uncomfortable tightness of my jeans. I positioned myself back on his lap and rolled my hips into his, hard enough for both of us to moan. I repeated the action, slowly at first, and then built up speed as Josh began bucking his hips up to meet mine. I was so hard that I felt myself throbbing in my pants, so I brought my hands down to the waistband of Josh’s jeans and looked into his eyes. He nodded quickly, panting, and we worked together to pull them off and fling them off the bed. And then I was rolling off of him momentarily to rip my jeans off and then I climbed back on top of Josh, this time the rolling of my hips causing me to moan out even louder as the amount of clothing between us decreased. As Josh slowly bucked his hips up into mine, I whimpered loudly.

“Shit, Ty,” Josh breathed heavily as I threw my head back. All of the sudden his hand was pressed against me, above my boxers, and I let out a hum of approval. Josh began slowly tracing the outline of my dick as I continued rolling my hips into his with renewed force. And then, without warning, he slipped his hand underneath my boxers and grabbed ahold of me, causing me to gasp and let out a strangled moan at the contact. He slowly stroked me with one hand while he used the other to guide my movements as he grinded into my ass. I’d never done anything so hot in my whole life and I swear Josh could make me lose my mind. He continued his agonizingly slow pace, letting out a low moan ever so often, and I could feel my cock throbbing from desperation.

“Please, Josh,” I moaned. “More.”

“Fuck, Tyler, you’re so – so hot,” he said, struggling to get his words out through moans. Suddenly, Josh flipped me onto my back and immediately grinded into me, hard. I whimpered again, my voice breaking and trailing off at the end, and Josh cursed under his breath as he grasped my cock and began stroking me again, faster this time. And then he was climbing down, between my legs, to yank my boxers down and throw them across the room. I sighed happily as the restriction of the boxers was removed, but then I felt myself blushing as Josh’s eyes wandered up and down my body. He continued jerking me off with one hand while the other ran up and down my waist. I began bucking my hips up to meet Josh’s hand and squirming around on the bed, desperate for more. I was moaning more often now, and louder.

“Josh,” I breathed out, digging my hips into the mattress. “Yes Josh, please.”

My eyes were squeezed shut but I suddenly felt Josh take me in his mouth, and I almost screamed at how badly I wanted to cum. He was then licking and swirling his tongue across the head of my dick before slowly taking more of me in his mouth, earning more high-pitched, agonized moans. He then completely bottomed out, his nose pressed against the bottom of my stomach, and the feeling of the tip of my dick hitting the back of his throat sent a wave of pleasure through my whole body. He slowly withdrew his mouth, his tongue gently pressing against me, and just as he reached the top he plunged back down and I hit the back of his throat again, harder this time. He then began a slow rhythm, tracing his tongue up and down as he went. As he bottomed out, I involuntarily bucked my hips up, causing Josh to gag. Hearing him gag with my entire cock in his mouth was the most obscenely hot thing that’s ever happened to me. I felt bad for a second, but then he was taking my hands and placing them in his hair and nodding, allowing me to guide my movements in his mouth. I began slowly bucking my hips up while guiding his head, and he let out a hum of approval that made me throb. I began slowly fucking his mouth and as I did, his hands came to travel up and down my waist again. I was completely overwhelmed with pleasure. He removed me from his mouth entirely, and I almost complained, before he grabbed me and began pumping hard and fast. I threw my head back and moaned so loud I wondered if the neighbors could hear. As he continued jerking me, he leaned down to press kisses up my neck and just below my ear before he was moaning into my ear.

“You sound so pretty, Ty,” he practically groaned.

With his words, I felt my toes curling and my hips began jerking, and I felt a familiar heat in the pit of my stomach.

“Josh, ah – fuck, Josh, you’re gonna make me cum,” I panted, “I’m g—gonna cum.” I spoke in between moans. Josh’s hand picked up pace and I felt like I was going to burst with ecstasy. The entire room was spinning as I felt my stomach tightening. His lips were pressed up against my ear again.

“Do you wanna cum, baby? Do you wanna cum for me?” he moaned softly into my ear, and I nodded and moaned desperately. Only seconds later, I was coming, spilling out over Josh’s hand and onto my stomach. I bucked my hips up into Josh’s hand as I rode out my orgasm, screaming out his name as I squirmed with pleasure. I let out a final moan and began panting heavily as Josh rolled over and laid down next to me. We were both breathing heavily for a moment, neither of us saying anything. Josh and I turned towards each other at the same time, grinning lazily as we made eye contact. Josh looked completely wrecked, his hair disheveled and eyes clearly struggling to stay open. He shuffled over to me and planted a kiss on my cheek, and then I turned my head towards him and kissed him on the lips once, twice, three times, both of us giggling as I planted kiss after kiss onto his lips. We smiled against each other’s lips for a moment.

“Let’s clean this up a little, yeah?” Josh said sleepily, leaning over to his nightstand and grabbing a box of tissues. After he had wiped down my stomach and his hand, discarding the tissues in the trash bin across the room, Josh laid back down on the bed and pulled me onto his chest. I could feel his heart thudding and his breathing grew steadier. He gently played with my hair and planted a kiss to the top of my head as our legs tangled together. I yawned, causing Josh to yawn as well, and then thought for a moment.

“Josh?” I said weakly, not realizing that I hardly had enough energy left to speak.

“Yeah, baby?” My gradually slowing heart rate immediately picked up again as he called me baby. I couldn’t help but grin and feel my heart warm with adoration.

“What about you?”

“Hm?” Josh questioned as his fingers remained lazily twirling my hair.

“I didn’t…” I felt myself blushing and I couldn’t help but let out a little nervous giggle. “I didn’t make you cum,” I said quietly, as if I were embarrassed to speak the words. Josh’s chest rose and fell as he laughed.

“I guess you owe me then, huh?” I rested my chin on his chest to look up into his eyes as he grinned at me.

“Gladly,” I hummed, leaning up to peck a final kiss to his lips. I then settled back down onto his chest and sighed contentedly.

“Goodnight, Josh.”

“Night, Ty,” Josh replied, and it didn’t take long for the lullaby of his heartbeat and his gently rising and falling chest to put me to sleep.


	7. a sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm SO sorry it's been forever since i posted. these last couple weeks have absolutely been the craziest and busiest of my life. and i'm leaving for japan in a week and i'll be there for a week, so i'll be super busy again! when i get home though, i can spend a bunch of time writing. i wanted another Josh and Tyler date to be in this chapter, but i also just wanted to get it up as quickly as possible for you guys. thanks for reading! |-/

I woke up to the blaring of my phone’s alarm clock at 7 am. I groggily reached across the bed to grab it off of the nightstand and turned it off, yawning before I sat up to stretch. In that moment, it hit me that I hadn’t slept in my bed. _Oh shit._

It was over an hour from here to work, and I typically got into work before 8:30. So basically, I had to leave, like, now. I repeated my same routine from Saturday morning, sneaking around the room to pull my clothes on before tiptoeing out the door. I felt a little bad for leaving Josh like this again, but unfortunately I had to be a responsible adult, as much as I would’ve liked to stay in that bed with him all day.

I jogged down the steps outside of Josh’s apartment and was amazed to see how lively Venice Beach was, even this early in the morning. People were already walking up and down the sand, some browsing shops, and some skateboarding or painting or playing music. It was so beautifully real, so perfectly human, and it made me feel so alive. I loved thinking about how every stranger I saw had their own life, as complicated and as crazy as mine. These people had fallen in love, broken hearts, gotten their heart broken, struggled with their own demons, and found their own reason to stay alive. The very idea that we are so similar even to people we will never know was astounding to me. Human life is so unique and beautiful; standing there, watching life flourish around me, was something I’ll never forget.

I dragged myself out of my contemplation of human existence and walked towards my car, still slowly enough to take in my surroundings and let them fill me with the hope that my life could be beautiful too.

 

I had just enough time to grab a button down shirt from home and pull it on hurriedly before going to work, arriving just at 8:30, without time to eat or shower. I walked into work feeling a little bit like shit, partly from not drinking coffee and partly from staying up later than usual last night. But when I remembered the activities that were keeping me preoccupied late the night before, I smiled to myself.

Thinking about Josh made me wish so desperately that everything could be simple. And it should be simple; I was crazy about Josh and he was crazy about me. But there was so much more to think about than he even understood. There were my parents, whom I feared would hate me for being with a man, and even Jenna, who had always been very religious; I wondered even if she would be able to accept me. And then there was me; my fears, my anxieties, my every emotion feeling stronger than it ever had. The idea of being with Josh filled me with a sense of delight I’d never quite experienced; at the same time, however, the uncertainty of my future terrified me. I didn’t think Josh and I would get married, since that’s not the type of thing you think about only weeks after meeting somebody. If we weren’t going to get married, then we would break up at some point, right? I pictured scenarios in my head as to why we would break up. I wondered if I would feel too wrong being with a man that I would leave him to be with a woman, just to make my parents happy. I wondered if my anxieties about losing him would cause me to be clingy and scare him away. I worried that when he got to know me better, he would realize he didn’t really like me.

Josh and I weren’t even officially together, and still these fears swirled around my head like a never-ending tornado. I wondered if I was being ridiculous, or if this was just what falling in love felt like. But was I really falling in love? Did I even want to let myself fall in love?

My mind was preoccupied with these thoughts all day, and I barely managed to speak to my students in coherent sentences. It was only a couple of weeks until school let out for the summer, and I was just as excited as all of the 13 year olds. During my lunch break, Brendon came into my classroom.

“TYLER JOSEPH, MY FAVORITE CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL, HOW’S –“ Brendon began, but he stopped in his tracks when he saw me. “What the fuck dude? You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks Brendon. Glad to know I have such a kind and supportive friend,” I quipped.

“Care to explain why you look like you rolled out of bed and came straight into work?” Brendon asked, looking me up and down. Honestly, he was right. I did look like shit. My hair was a mess, I had bags under my eyes, and my shirt was wrinkly.

“I sort of did,” I began, clarifying when I saw Brendon raise his eyebrows. “Not my own bed, though,” I spoke quietly, feeling myself blush.

“No way,” Brendon’s eyes lit up. He sat down in the desk right in front of me and leaned forward enthusiastically, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. “So?”

I smiled down at my thumbs and twiddled them. “So?” I practically whispered.

Brendon rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. “SO, did you get your brains fucked out?” My eyes grew wide at his words, and I threw a pen as hard as I could at him. He caught it and laughed.

“Jesus Brendon, want to discuss my sex life a little louder?” I joked. By this point, I should’ve learned it was best not to test Brendon’s limits. He leaned back in his chair and yelled as loud as he could.

“DID YOU GET YOUR BRAINS FUCKED OUT?”

“Shut the fuck up!” I stage whispered as I dashed across the room to slam the door shut. I looked up and down the empty hallway with a sigh of relief.

I slowly sat back down at my desk and looked Brendon in the eyes, trying my best to be mad. But he was just sitting there, grinning stupidly at me, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

“I am not going to give you every detail of my every hookup with Josh, you know,” I laughed at Brendon and shook my head. He crossed his arms and looked defeated.

“Fine, fine. I can’t help it! I have seen this beautiful, violently homosexual relationship blossom like a beautiful flower in the spring,” Brendon made ridiculous hand motions, “I’m sort of a part of it at this point!” I let out a shout of laughter and Brendon held up his finger in my face. “Now wait a minute, hear me out. I was the little devil on your shoulder that told you to dump Jenna and go for sexy bartender guy.”

My face immediately dropped and a worry line creased between my eyebrows. I didn’t want to think about it that way, that I did something horribly wrong, that I “dumped” the woman who I was supposed to love for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to think that what was happening with Josh was just some sort of fling, and at the end of the day I’d end up broken hearted and alone. Brendon’s eyebrows creased with worry as well when he saw the look on my face.

“TJ? What’s wrong?” He sounded genuinely concerned, so I spilled.

“I’m terrified, Brendon. I’m-“ I was beginning to choke up, tears welling up and clinging to my lower eyelashes. “What if I made a huge mistake? What if I’m a terrible person? I threw away 9 years for some guy I barely know. A guy, for God’s sake,” I laughed, tears beginning to fall down my cheeks. I stood up and ran my hand down my face, and then turned to look Brendon in the eyes. “I’m scared, Brendon,” my voice cracked. Brendon’s eyes were filled with sadness as he stood up and pulled me into his arms, rubbing up and down my back and gently rocking me back and forth. We remained like this in silence for a few moments until I stopped crying and Brendon pulled away to look into my eyes.

“Tyler. You are not a bad person, and you didn’t make a mistake. You knew it your heart that this was what you wanted, and I am so proud of you for following your heart.” I began to shake my head. “Hey, hey, listen to me. You are going to be okay. The future is scary, I know it is, but you are going to be _so_ happy. I know you are. And you deserve all the happiness in the world, Tyler. _There is nothing wrong with you._ No matter what happens, you will always have me, okay? _”_

I couldn’t help but smile at him, my heart filling with warmth and appreciation for his constant support. I felt ridiculous worrying like this all the time, but I couldn’t help it. My mind just desperately searched for anything to make me feel anxious, or to make me feel bad about myself. I wanted more than anything to shut off that part of my mind, the part that wanted me to suffer. It was the time to be brave now; I knew it was. I had to be brave for Josh, and for myself. I had decided to let myself fall for Josh, and I was sticking with my decision. I was diving in head first.

 

*

 

When I got home from work, Jenna was pacing around the living room anxiously. She was fidgeting with the strings on her sweatpants and biting her lip, and when she heard me come in her eyes lit up.

“Tyler,” she breathed. “Thank God.” She continued playing with her sweatpants strings and she sighed deeply. “I got a call from my mom. And my dad. And a bunch of texts asking me to call them. I wanted to wait until you got here to call back.”

I felt my heart sink. I was so incredibly nervous for what either of our parents would say, and looks like we were going to hear from Jenna’s first. I felt like I let them down. I kept feeling like I’d let everyone down. I motioned towards the couch and we sat down next to each other. Jenna pulled out her phone and nervously hovered her thumb above the “call” button. I took her hand in mine and smiled at her reassuringly.

“Hey, Jen, we can do this. It’s not like they’re going to disown us for not being in love,” I laughed, and Jenna tried her best to return my smile. She nodded quickly and pressed call, turning it to speaker. After just one ring, her mother’s voice came through the phone.

“Jenna bear! Baby, I’m so happy you called! What is going on? What is this about you ending your engagement with Tyler? That’s insane! Sweetie, I thought you loved him!”

Jenna and I made eye contact and simultaneously grimaced.

“Um, hi Mama. I’m actually here with Tyler. You’re on speaker phone.”

“Oh!” she gasped. “Are you two back together?” she tried excitedly. Jenna and I both let out a giggle.

“No, mom. We’re friends.” We smiled at each other. “Nothing has to change, okay? We can still do holidays with the Joseph’s, and you can keep inviting them to your cookouts,” Jenna laughed.

Jenna’s mother sighed. “But what happened? Did he hurt you? Tyler, if you hurt my baby girl, I will –“

“MOM, no! I said in the email that the decision was mutual! 9 years is a long time to be with someone when you’re so young, and we just didn’t feel ready to commit our entire lives to each other.”

Another sigh from the other line. “You two were just so… so happy,” her mother said, sounding like she was beginning to cry. I felt completely and utterly awful.

“Mama, please just try to understand okay? It’s not the end of the world,” Jenna chuckled.

_I guess this is the end of an era, huh?_

 

After an entirely too stressful evening of talking to our parents and retelling the details of our breakup, I was beyond tired and my head was pounding. Jenna looked like the conversations had taken a toll on her too; she had circles under her eyes and just gazed off into the distance silently as she ate dinner. I realized that I hadn’t gotten a text from Josh all day, and I remembered I’d failed to explain my second walk of shame from his apartment. I pulled out my phone to call him, thinking it might be easier. I stood on the balcony of my apartment as I stared out into the pitch-black night, waiting for Josh to pick up.

“Hey, stranger,” Josh laughed, and my heart immediately felt so warm I wondered if I was going to melt into a puddle right there. “Let me guess…” Josh gasped. “Is this a booty call?” he joked, audibly holding back laughter. I giggled into the phone and blushed.

“You wish,” I replied, still grinning so big that my cheeks hurt. “I had work this morning. I’m sorry for running out on you like some kind of hooker.”

Josh laughed again, louder this time, and I desperately wanted to be there with him, to see his crinkled up eyes and his dimples and his beautiful smile.

“Fine, I accept your apology, but only because the fact that you’re a middle school teacher still cracks me up.”

I rolled my eyes, but then realized that Josh couldn’t see me. There was a moment of silence before Josh spoke again.

“So… when will I get to see you again?” My heart fluttered. “I was trying not to sound too eager, but screw that. I am eager.” I could hear the smile in his voice and I was overwhelmed with that indescribable love-sick teenager feeling Josh always seemed to give me.

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t mind seeing you again,” I said playfully. Josh laughed and I continued. “But unfortunately, I’m a responsible adult with a full-time job.”

“Right, Mr. Joseph,” Josh joked. It was strange being called Mr. Joseph by anyone above the age of 14 but I liked the way it sounded when Josh said it. It made me blush. “Hey wait a minute, when does school let out? Because it’s already June, and you get the summer off, you know, like all responsible adults with full time jobs do.”

“Hey, it is the only good thing about being a teacher. I think I’m more excited for school to let out than my students are. Only two more weeks,” I said dreamily, fantasizing about an entire summer spent with Josh.

“No shit! That’s awesome!” Josh sounded ecstatic, and I wondered if maybe he was thinking about our summer together too. There was something so ‘cheesy Hollywood romance’ about the whole thing that I loved.

Josh and I chatted mindlessly for a few more minutes before my eyelids were heavy and I let out a huge yawn.

“Is someone tired? At 8 pm?” Josh teased.

“Well, I was up pretty late last night,” I said shyly.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” Josh’s voice deepened and it made my heart thud.

“Let’s just say I was having a great time,” I replied flirtatiously.

“God, you make me crazy, Tyler,” Josh groaned. I could feel my body temperature rising. “Anyways,” Josh said suddenly, perking up, “I’ll let you get some sleep. Talk to you soon!”

“Goodnight,” I replied, trying not to laugh at his obvious attempt at teasing me.

I went back inside and collapsed on the couch, practically falling asleep as soon as my head hit my pillow. My dreams that night were filled with images of Josh.

 

The rest of the week went by pretty typically. Josh and I texted every day, about stupid little things like what we were eating for dinner or more substantial things like what records we’d been listening to lately or what we thought aliens might be like. I couldn’t help but giggle like a kid every time Josh texted me, carefully thinking out my reply and staring at my phone until his next text came through. I pondered whether my child-like infatuation with Josh was a way of making up for lost time, a way for me to live out my most romantic high school fantasies. Either way, talking to him, even just through text messages, was addictive. By the time Thursday rolled around, I’d completely forgotten that Jenna was leaving for Ohio today.

Her flight left at 5 pm, which meant I had enough time to drive her to the airport after work. When I got home, she had a few suitcases of clothes and toiletries, the rest of her belongings already driving back to Ohio in a moving truck. Jenna was wearing sweatpants and a tank top, her hair in a high messy bun and bags under her eyes, presumably from a sleepless night.

“There’s just something so strange about it,” she said, as we brought her bags down to the car. She laughed before continuing. “It took you forever to convince me to move out here, remember?”

I smiled, my heart swelling with nostalgia. “Of course I do, Jen.”

“And Ohio will always be home to me, but I can’t say I won’t miss California. It’s so…”

“Warm?” I questioned, grinning stupidly.

“Well, duh,” she mock rolled her eyes, “and so different. It’s so… you, Tyler. I can see why you love it here.”

I loved the way that after everything that had happened, she still understood me so well. I really, truly, loved it here. There was something about the warmth, and the ocean, and the never-ending sense of _life_ that enveloped me here and made me never want to leave. Of course, California had recently offered me another reason to never leave. This particular reason came in the form of a smiley, frustratingly optimistic, blue-haired bartender. I must have been daydreaming, because Jenna had to say my name a few times before I responded.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” She asked as we buckled into our seats. I couldn’t really tell her, which hurt in a way. She was someone I was so used to spending my life with, and yet I felt the desperate need to keep a huge part of my life from her. I just didn’t expect her to understand. Besides, I didn’t know exactly how the etiquette around the whole “telling your ex about your new romantic interest” went, especially when your new romantic interest happened to be a guy and no one knew that you happened to like guys.

“I’ll miss you, Jenna.”

“I’ll miss you too, Ty.”

Those also happened to be some of the last words we spoke to each other before she boarded the plane for Columbus. As she turned to walk away, I shouted her name and added one last goodbye.

“I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted, Jenna.”

 

The complete and utter alone-ness didn’t hit me until I leaned against the kitchen counter in silence, as my dinner was heating up in the microwave. I remember the day Jenna and I moved into this apartment, the amount of frustration that went into the interior decorating, the way I complained about the huge and rather gaudy piece of art she hung above our bed. And now that piece of art was gone, and I was left staring at a bare and achingly empty wall. Her dresser and vanity were both gone, leaving the room feeling much too big. It all left me with a deep sense of loneliness, the likes of which I’d probably never felt. It struck me then that I’d never lived alone in my life. This thought started to make me panic. My hands started shaking and my head starting reeling as I thought about the fact that I was completely and entirely alone. My desperate need for human contact made me feel pathetic, but I couldn’t stand the thought of spending the entire night in this half-empty apartment, alone with my thoughts.

I briefly considered calling Josh, but I wasn’t ready for him to see this side of me; the side that couldn’t stand to be alone and leaned on other people for support. I didn’t want him to realize how truly pitiful I was. So I called the only other person I could truly call my friend in Los Angeles.

“Tyler freaking Joseph,” came Brendon’s warm voice through the phone.

“Brendon freaking Urie,” I said, realizing I didn’t sound even half as enthusiastic as he did.

“So, like, no offense, but why are you calling me at 8 pm on a week night? Just saying, you’ve never called me,” he punctuated his sentences by chewing something that sounded like popcorn.

It was true; we only ever texted or talked in person. It made me feel silly all over again. I thought about hanging up, but instead inhaled deeply and cut to the chase.

“Wanna have a sleepover?” A beat of silence.

“Tyler, what the fuck?”

“Okay, okay, I _know_ it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out,” I interjected. “It’s just that Jenna moved out and it made me realize that I’ve never in my entire life slept in a house entirely alone and it’s scary and I don’t like being alone and I know it’s lame but it makes me super nervous and it’s just so weird because like she’s always here you know and so I’m totally not used to this feeling and –“ I probably would’ve kept rambling until the end of time if Brendon hadn’t cut me off.

“TJ, it’s alright, I get it,” he laughed. “As the self-proclaimed worlds best best friend, it’s my duty to protect you.” I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see me. “But you do realize that I, like, live with my girlfriend right?” Right after he said that, I heard a sweet and cute little voice say ‘Hi!’ on the other line.

“Well do you have permission to have a sleepover?” I laughed. I heard a few mumbled words between Brendon and Sarah, before I heard her cute little voice again.

“Brendon Urie, you are a grown man! What grown man has sleepovers!”

“Me, Sarah! Tyler is _delicate_ ,” he stage-whispered, clearly wanting me to hear.

“Shut _up,_ Brendon,” I groaned.

“What? Is it not true?”

“Fine, it’s true,” I relented. “Now get your ass over here.”

 

Spending the night with Brendon reminded me of when my brother Zack and I used to share a bedroom when I was younger. We played videogames and ate unhealthy food and even did our fair share of gossiping; Brendon, of course, needed to know _everything_ that was happening with Josh. There was something so hilarious about the whole thing, a 24 year old and a 26 year old having a sleepover, but nothing with Brendon was ever weird. Our friendship just came so naturally to us, as if we’d been friends our whole lives, and I was so unbelievably thankful for that.

The main difference between this sleepover and the ones I had when I was younger is that when we woke up in the morning, we had to go to our full-time responsible adult jobs. Brendon was the drama teacher and directed the schools musicals, but he told me he’d always dreamt of being on Broadway. It turns out we’d both turned to teaching instead of pursuing our passions.

At this point in my life, at 24 years old, I really wasn’t sure what I wanted. Before Jenna left, everything had been so simple. I was going to be a middle school teacher married to a kindergarten teacher for the rest of my life; that was the plan. But now that almost everything else in my life had been turned upside down, I wondered what direction my career would go in. I’d never really considered writing and playing music as a full time job; music had always been something I’d turned to in my darkest times, and it seemed far too personal. But, lets be honest, middle schoolers are exhausting. I considered going back to school to get a masters degree and teach at a community college. At least then, I’d be teaching music to people who truly wanted to learn it. I decided to look into the possibility. Honestly, I loved college. It was a long and stressful 4 years, and yet Jenna and I had had more fun than in our entire lives. And I wondered if now, with all the other signs of a fresh start falling into place, I could live the college dream one more time.

I realized with a giddy excitement that today being Friday meant that I could see Josh tonight. We hadn’t made exact plans, but I’d waited all week and I was desperate to see him. Luckily, he wanted to see me too. As I got into my car to drive home from work, I felt my phone buzz.

Josh: **plans tonight??**

I debated whether or not I wanted to give him a flirty answer or not. I decided to be a little frisky.

Me: **you.**

Josh: **he flirts!!**

I rolled my eyes.

Me: **only sometimes. Don’t get used to it.**

Josh: **anyways, I like the sound of your plans. Meet me at the santa monica pier at 9.**

I couldn’t help but think that him inviting me to the Santa Monica pier was charmingly romantic.

Me: **see you soon**


	8. a ferris wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's some random things that haven't been established, and so I'll just put them here cause it's easier.  
> \- Josh is taller than Tyler (I'd say that in this fic Tyler is around 5'5" and Josh is 5'9" cause I like Josh being taller ok)  
> \- Tyler drives a Prius and Josh drives a truck  
> \- Josh is a year older than Tyler  
> \- Tyler does have his siblings, they're just not a big part of this  
> \- Josh has no living relatives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOWDY EVERYONE alright so here's 2k words of pure fluff. So much fluff. This chapter is gonna hit you right in the honey nut feelios, my friends.
> 
> *** I CHANGED THE NAME OF THE FIC, USED TO BE CALLED DREAMING WHILE AWAKE.

I sat in my car, the clock reading 9:01 pm. I bounced my legs nervously as I texted Josh.

Me: **I’m here, where are u?**

Josh: **right by the bridge**

I got out of my car and half-jogged towards the bridge leading to Santa Monica Pier, and I couldn’t help but break into a huge grin as I saw Josh standing there. He looked as gorgeous as always, and I noticed that his blue hair was beginning to fade, but of course he could literally pull off anything, including the pair of ripped jean shorts that I would’ve questioned anyone else wearing besides the one and only Josh Dun. When he noticed me, he returned my grin and began waving and jumping in the air.

“Dork,” I said as I approached him.

“Oh yeah?” Josh said slyly, a smirk approaching on his face. “I’ll race you to the roller coaster!” And with that, he took off. He really was a dork.

Josh had already gotten a huge head start before I was sprinting after him, narrowly avoiding knocking over about 50 people as I ran. I hated running, but something about chasing that faded blue head of hair through a huge crowd of people made it just a little bit more fun. As I finally caught up with Josh, I leaned forward, hands resting above my knees, and struggled to catch my breath. After fixing his hair, Josh looked over at me and stifled a laugh, and I noticed that he was completely un-winded, as if he hadn’t just dashed through a crowd like he was running for his life. I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes, feigning annoyance.

“Sorry not everyone can be in peak physical shape like you, Sportacus,” I joked between deep breaths. Josh laughed out loud at this.

“I’m a runner, don’t blame me for your shortcomings!” Josh jokingly put his hand over his heart. I continued my look of disgruntlement as Josh smiled smugly at me. He then paused for a moment, seemingly in thought, before he spoke again. “Peak physical shape, huh?” He crossed his arms and leaned against the gate at the entrance to the roller coaster. When Josh noticed me blush at his words, he snickered.

“Shut up,” I mumbled, shoving Josh lightly.

After riding the roller coaster at least 7 times (“It’s my favorite part about living in California!” Josh had insisted,) we decided to get slushies. We sat next to each other on a bench that overlooked the ocean, slowly taking sips of our alarmingly unnaturally colored beverages. I sat with my legs folded while Josh kicked his back and forth in front of him. The night was completely dark, a few clouds dotting the sky, the stars completely invisible under the bright glow of the Santa Monica pier. For awhile we sat in comfortable silence, listening to the never-ending chatter around us, the gentle lap of the ocean, and music blasting from all directions.

“I wish I could see the stars,” Josh said to no one in particular, breaking the silence. I chuckled.

“I’ve never met someone that is quite as obsessed with the stars as you are, Joshua Dun.” Josh grinned at me and pointed at his NASA t-shirt.

As per usual, we launched into another deep discussion about space.

“You seriously _wouldn’t_ go to the moon if you had the chance?” Josh announced incredulously.

“Hey, man, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel free to live out your wildest astronaut fantasies, but space is just too damn big. And dark. And empty. And freakin’ scary, man. I feel like if I was in a spaceship, I’d simultaneously be super claustrophobic but also… whatever the opposite of claustrophobic is if I had to stare out into the vastness of space.” I shuddered just thinking about it. “Sure, I love to watch the stars and planets from my cozy little place on Earth, but I’d prefer not to be launched into impending darkness and possible doom and no gravity. I like the certainty that I won’t go floating away into an eternal abyss, so don’t judge me!”

“Well, if I ever go to vacation on the moon, I’ll just have to find someone else to bring along with me then.” Josh smiled at me playfully and shyly moved his hand towards mine, interlacing our fingers. I ran my thumb over the back of his hand as I scooted closer to rest my head on his shoulder, smiling at the contended sigh that this elicited from Josh. I wanted to capture that exact moment and preserve it in my memories forever. I felt completely and utterly content. The warmth of Josh’s shoulder, the way he hooked his leg under mine as they swung off the bench, and the moonlight reflecting off of the black ocean all seemed so surreal and so blissfully perfect.

It felt like Josh and I were just hanging onto each other in this moment, basking in each other’s presence and memorizing what it felt like to be pressed together like this. I thought about how Josh’s fingers, larger and rougher than my own, felt between the gaps of my fingers. I thought about how I could feel the stubble on Josh’s cheek as he turned his head to kiss my forehead. I reveled in the way his eyelids fluttered shut as I leaned up to brush his hair to the side with my free hand. I couldn’t help but press a delicate kiss to Josh’s smiling lips. I couldn’t help but realize that the way I felt, right here and right now, the way my heart thumped every time I looked at Josh, was what people meant by falling in love. This feeling, this indescribable, unfamiliar, and all-consuming feeling was what people sang about. It was what people wrote poems about. I allowed myself to be swept away by this moment, Josh and I listening only to the sounds of each other’s breathing as we both fell desperately and irrevocably for each other.

Josh began to speak, and I smiled at the way I could faintly feel the vibrations of his voice as my head was nuzzled into his neck. “In the least cheesy way of asking this question, do you wanna go on the ferris wheel?”

“Of course,” I grinned, standing up and pulling Josh up with me, not letting go of his hand.

Josh and I clambered into the seat, our thighs squished together, and I loved the way that the higher and higher we got, the littler the people on the ground looked. When we reached the top, Josh and I both knew that we had to do the cheesiest thing possible.

“Being cheesy is kind of our thing, isn’t it?” I asked, glancing down at Josh’s lips, insinuating what was about to happen.

“Yep,” Josh nodded, and didn’t hesitate to grasp the side of my face with his hand and pull me in to a deep kiss, bursting with unspoken emotion. This kiss had so much feeling behind it, so much more than any time we’d ever kissed before, and I knew that Josh felt it too as we both desperately tried to deepen the kiss and touch each other in any way that we could. Our mouths worked together in perfect harmony as we grasped at each other’s necks, hair, chest and shoulders, wanting more than anything to never let go. We just stayed like this, passionately and desperately making out, until we had almost reached the bottom of the ferris wheel again and we pulled away to catch our breath. I rested my forehead against Josh’s, his hands grasping the side of my neck as I pressed my forearms into his chest. We just sat there and breathed for a moment, before we both opened our eyes and simultaneously grinned, and Josh pecked a kiss to the tip of my nose before we were climbing out of the seat and walking hand in hand towards my car in a pleasant silence, every once in awhile glancing at each other and smiling shyly. When we reached my car, Josh turned to face me, and unlaced our fingers to wrap his arms around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled before he spoke quietly.

“Tyler, that kiss, on the ferris wheel… it was…” Josh trailed off, grinning and shaking his head in a sort of giddy disbelief, glancing down at his feet. I removed one of my hands from around his neck and used it to tilt his chin up and gaze into his eyes.

“I know,” I responded, just as quietly as Josh, returning his smile.

Josh let out a deep breath before leaning his forehead against mine and closing his eyes, smile still playing on his lips. “You’re… wow. Just – wow.” Josh stumbled over his words.

“Eloquent,” I laughed breathily. I couldn’t help but want Josh to continue what he was trying to say, to be able to articulate what he was feeling. I needed to know that I wasn’t the only one who felt like I was losing my mind, but in the best way possible.

Josh returned my laugh before pulling back and looking into my eyes. We both paused for a moment, and I thought about how I’d never get tired of staring into those eyes, so dark brown that in this light I could hardly see his pupils. “Sorry, let me try that again.” He bit his lip nervously, but he was still smiling. “I don’t know if this seems crazy, I don’t know if this is too forward, or too much for you, but I’m crazy about you, Tyler.” I felt my heart speed up so fast that I got lightheaded. My hands, clasped together around his neck, suddenly got sweaty. He swallowed and continued. “I never stop thinking about you. You just… do something to me. You’ve just got this way about you, this incredible Tyler-ness that drives me bonkers.” I couldn’t help but giggle at the use of the words ‘bonkers’ and ‘Tyler-ness.’ My breathing was speeding up. “Seriously, I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so incredible, you’re so beautiful, I mean… the way you think, the way your mind works, the way you speak, you’re just so damn beautiful.”

I wouldn’t have been surprised if I passed out right then and there. I was so overwhelmed that I had no idea what to do. I was thinking so many thoughts at once that they all jumbled together and tied themselves into knots. I did feel the same way. I felt everything he said and more. I couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of his mouth, that there was seriously this gorgeous and mind-blowingly amazing boy standing in front of me right now, saying these things to me. My eyes teared up.

Josh immediately looked worried. “Tyler? I’m – I’m sorry if that was too much, or if you don’t feel the same way, I totally understand, I can just… go,” Josh swallowed hard and turned to walk away.

I almost let him go. I almost let the most perfect human being I’d ever met walk away because I was so scared of my own mind. But I didn’t. I grabbed his hand as he walked, and quietly muttered “Wait.” At this point, I was full on crying, tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. I’d been crying so damn much lately. It was pretty fucking embarrassing.

He turned back to me, a pained expression still on his face that made my heart twist with guilt. I was so overwhelmed with thought and feeling that words escaped me entirely, so I did the next best thing and smashed my lips against Josh’s.

And there we were, for the second time that night, making out like two lovesick teenagers. When we finally pulled away, my tears had turned to sobs, and I tried to laugh to shake off the fact that I was standing in a parking lot, blubbering like a baby. Josh pulled me close to him and rubbed up and down my back.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you Ty, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Did – did you really mean what you said?” I sniffed, my face buried in his neck. Josh was still rubbing my back.

“Of course I did, Tyler.” Josh kissed the top of my head and I was wracked with another sob. “Can you talk to me?” I knew that was a kinder way of asking ‘Why the hell are you crying?’ I nodded against his neck. I pulled away and hesitantly looked into Josh’s eyes.

“No one has ever said anything like that to me,” I whispered so quietly I wondered if Josh could even hear me. He looked like he was going to say something, but I continued. “You… wow. Holy shit.” I laughed now, my tears finally stopping as I broke out into a grin. “Those tears, Josh, they didn’t mean that I don’t feel the same way. Because God, I do. I really, _really_ fucking do.” Josh interrupted me with another quick but passionate kiss, and when he pulled away, he kept his hand on my cheek and looked at me expectantly, urging me to continue. “I was crying because I’m happy. I’m so happy. You make me feel things that I’ve never felt before, crazy, wonderful, unbelievable things,” Josh and I grinned as I said this, “but I was also crying because I’m scared.” My tone became hushed again. Josh furrowed his eyebrows together.

“Scared?”

I pressed my head into Josh’s neck again, planting a soft kiss there. “Please don’t leave,” I whispered against his skin. Josh sighed deeply and planted another kiss into my hair.

“I promise, Tyler. I promise I’ll never leave you.”

We stood there for a few more moments, Josh rocking me and massaging my back again.

 _This was another one of those moments,_ I thought to myself. Another beautiful, wonderful moment.

 _Love,_ I realized. _I’m in love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. feel free to leave suggestions for what you'd like to see, or offer constructive criticism (don't roast me pls) or point out mistakes. feedback is much appreciated <3
> 
> p.p.s. everything Tyler said about space is exactly how i feel about it haha. honestly the version of Tyler in this fic is similar to me in a lot of ways, I guess that's kinda what happens when you write first-person.
> 
> p.p.p.s. thank you for reading, i love y'all


	9. good morning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm in Japan right now, so I haven't been able to get much writing done. I'll have a lot of time to write when I get home! Hope you enjoy xoxoxo
> 
> By the way, this chapter is like 90% smut and writing smut is hard but here ya go

I woke up the next morning, rejoicing in the fact that I didn’t have to run out on Josh again. For the first time, I just got to lie here in his bed and watch Josh sleep (in the least creepy way possible).

After returning to Josh’s apartment last night, we spent the entire night being unbelievably affectionate towards each other. We couldn’t go more than a few minutes without touching, or kissing, or whispering compliments to each other. We spent hours tangled up under the sheets, hands grazing lazily over each other, fingers dancing delicately across exposed skin, every caress gentle and soft. And of course we spent a lot of our time making out, but our kisses weren’t lustful. Instead, they were driven entirely by emotion and fondness and the desire to be as close together as possible. I delighted in the way that Josh’s lips were warm and soft against mine, not even minding the feeling of his stubble against my skin. I loved the taste of his mouth, toothpaste and lip balm and something else, something unidentifiably Josh. We fell asleep curled up together, Josh’s arm draped over my waist, and his face nestled into my neck, where he pressed tender kisses every few minutes as we drifted off together.

The entire night, from the moment I saw Josh standing in front of the Santa Monica pier, to the moment that I fell asleep, had been, by far, the most romantic night of my life. It still seemed so unreal to me, to be falling so hard and so fast for someone like this. In moments like these, moments where my only task was to watch Josh’s chest rise and fall as he slept, nothing else mattered in the world except for me and Josh.

After a few minutes of gazing, I realized that Josh wasn’t going to be waking up any time soon, so I decided to go make some coffee. I stood up, pulled my shirt on, and padded to the kitchen, searching through the drawers until I found the coffee grounds. After turning on the coffee machine and scooping the coffee in, I decided again that I wanted to really look at Josh’s apartment, trying to memorize the details of the place where he spent most of his time. The kitchen had two entrances, both doorless, one at the far left of the living room, the other leading out into the main hallway, that had 4 rooms in it. One was Josh’s bedroom, one was the bathroom, one was the laundry room, and I’d never been in the fourth. I decided to walk down the hallway and open the door.

This room didn’t really have a name; I could tell it was just the “random stuff that didn’t fit anywhere else” room. The thing that caught my eye, of course, was his drum set. It was gorgeous and looked super expensive, so I decided not to touch it. The walls of the room were lined with band posters, so many that it was unbelievable to me that Josh was actually a big enough fan of this many bands to have a poster for each of them. I recognized only about half of the musicians, and it occurred to me that Josh was far more involved in the music scene than I was. I wanted him to show me all of these bands, his favorite records and his favorite songs. I wanted to sit with him for hours and do nothing else except listen to his entire music collection. There were stacks upon stacks of records and CDs in this room, overflow from the CD rack in the living room. There was also a bookshelf, which had a very strange mix of books. There was everything from cookbooks to sheet music to books just simply _about_ music, and then there was the actual literature, rows upon rows of novels that I’d never heard of. He had books of poetry, and comic books, and everything in between, and I couldn’t help but audibly let out an amazed chuckle. I’d never been so impressed with a person _ever._ As if I wasn’t already totally smitten, my respect for Josh and his unbelievable love for art made my heart swell with even more passion.

It hadn’t occurred to me how long I’d just been standing there in awe, until I heard Josh’s voice behind me.

“Whatcha doin, Ty?” His voice was still groggy.

I spun around to face him, slightly embarrassed, feeling like I’d invaded his privacy.

“Oh, sorry, I was just… looking, sorry,” I said, face flushing red. Josh just grinned in response and walked over to wrap his arms around my waist. Josh hadn’t put a shirt on, and he was just standing there in his boxers, his bare chest pressing against me as his hands slipped under my shirt to stroke my back. I swallowed hard as I felt his fingertips graze along my skin.

“Don’t apologize, Ty,” Josh said before pressing a kiss to my forehead. I smiled shyly and tried to remember to breathe as his fingers traveled up and down my sides, almost to the point of tickling me.

“Have you read all of those?” I asked, turning my head to face the bookshelf. Josh’s hands didn’t stop their wandering.

“Most of them, yeah,” Josh said quietly, leaning down to kiss my cheek, and then my jaw, and then below my ear, until before I knew it he was kissing across my entire neck, kisses remaining soft and delicate. It occurred to me then that Josh had other things on his mind besides discussing literature with me. I let out a little sound, somewhere between a sigh and a hum, and I felt Josh grin against my skin. My hands, wrapped around his neck, reached up to bury themselves in his hair. Josh sighed happily as I twisted and stroked his hair with my fingers, his kisses across my neck becoming longer and more passionate. Suddenly, his tongue was against my skin with every kiss, and he began sucking on the delicate skin of my neck, pressing ever so gently with his teeth as I hummed with contentment. I swear I could actually feel the room heating up as I threw my head back and Josh sucked hard enough to bruise my skin, occasionally nibbling gently. My stomach felt warm and I began to tingle everywhere, and I really hoped that Josh knew what he just started, because now I wanted him. Bad.

Josh still sucked on my skin, clearly determined to leave a mark, as his hands slid down my back and settled on my ass, before he squeezed with both of his hands. My breath hitched rather dramatically as I inhaled, and my exhale came out as a desperate groan. Josh pulled away from my neck, smiling as he rubbed his thumb over my skin, which I was sure was already bruised.

I was already so turned on at this point that I was trembling in Josh’s arms, so I leaned over to gently nip at his earlobe before whispering his name. Josh tightened his grip around my waist and leaned towards me, before he sloppily kissed across my jaw and proceeded to press our lips together. I couldn’t believe the things this boy could do to me. I felt myself growing harder with every movement that Josh made, and when he pressed our lips together my dick practically wanted to jump out of my pants.

This time, our kisses were lustful and fervent, every movement of our lips more desperate as we grasped at each other’s bodies. I could hardly stand this anymore, I felt like I was literally going to burst with arousal.

“Josh,” I panted, pulling away from our kiss.

“Mmm?” Josh hummed in question as he attached his lips to my neck again.

“Josh, I wa – _ah_ ,” I faltered as he gripped my ass again, “Josh, I want you, godiwantyousobad,” I strung my last words together pleadingly. At my words, Josh pressed his entire body against mine, and I could feel that he was rock hard.

“Fuck,” he spoke under his breath, and then without warning he grabbed my thighs and picked me up, barely giving me time to lock my legs around his waist before he walked back into his bedroom and dropped me on the bed, immediately hovering over me to smash our lips together desperately once more. And then his hand was under my shirt, fingers dragging across my chest until he pulled away and sat back.

“Shirt, off,” he panted at me. Josh had never said anything even slightly commanding to me before and to my surprise, I felt my dick twitch. Well. There was something new. I immediately complied and tossed my shirt across the room. When my mind wandered to what I wanted to hear Josh say to me, I began wondering to myself _since when did I have a praise kink?_

“Josh, um, I want…” I muttered, embarrassed to ask Josh to speak to me.

“What do you want, baby? I’ll give you anything you want,” he said as he kissed down my chest and onto my stomach.

_Oh God. I’ve never been so fucking turned on in my life._ _Shit._

“It’s… I’m embarrassed,” I admitted, and Josh paused his kisses to lay on his side and turn me to face him, his fingers beginning to stroke my arm.

“I won’t judge you, baby, just tell me what you want, I wanna make you happy,” all signs of Josh’s occasional shyness gone as soon as he was in bed.

“I, um, I like it when you… when you talk to me, when you encourage me, or – or praise me, or whatever,” I mumbled, blushing a dark shade of crimson. This was the first time I’d ever discussed anything along the lines of a kink with someone.

Josh closed his eyes and groaned. At first I was worried, and then all of the sudden he was lunging towards me, gripping my waist and grinding into me forcefully.

“God dammit, God, that is so fucking hot,” Josh’s breathing grew heavier as he continued to grind against me. I moaned as I finally felt some sort of friction, and then I was on my back again, Josh resuming his kisses across my chest. My breathing stuttered as he lightly dragged his teeth across my skin, and delicately moved his mouth across one of my nipples. He paused and pressed his forehead against my chest, and I could feel his hot breath against my skin. He began rubbing his hands soothingly up and down my sides.

“Tyler, God, I wanna make you feel so good, please tell me what you want baby.” My dick ached with arousal and I didn’t know it was physically possible to be this turned on.

Part of me wanted to climb on top of Josh and grind against him until we both came, and part of me wanted to suck him off, and just the smallest part of me had the desire to be fucked by him, to lie on my back and let him have his way with me. _Let’s save that one for another day,_ I thought.

I shuffled our bodies around until I could straddle Josh, wasting no time rolling my hips into his, pressing my fingers into his shoulders. Josh grabbed my hips as I began to roll into him more forcefully, and I tried to stifle a moan when he began grinding up into me, the friction feeling so unbelievably amazing. As I pressed myself into Josh, over and over, I realized that I could easily come like this. But I had something else I wanted to do first.

I scooted down on Josh’s legs, pressing kisses all the way down his stomach and sliding my hands down his sides. I could feel his breathing getting heavier and the fact that I could make Josh come undone made my already completely hard dick twitch. I grazed my fingertips across his stomach, and then I looked into his eyes as I slid my fingers under the waistband of his boxers. I smirked at him as I leaned down to press a kiss to him on top of his boxers, earning a strangled moan.

“Fuck, Ty - God I want that pretty little mouth of yours around my dick,” Josh mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. _I swear this guy is gonna be the death of me._

With one swift motion, I slid Josh’s boxers down, and he kicked them off of his feet and onto the floor. And then I got to see him, all of him, and _fuck_ he was hot. I wandered my eyes down from his abs to the strong v of his pelvic bones, and then I ran my eyes down the line of hair below his belly button and then my eyes landed on his dick. He was bigger than I’d even imagined, and I was stuck between wanting to stare at Josh naked and wanting to get my mouth on his cock immediately. I paused for a moment, in awe of the boy laying in front of me, and I wondered how I got so damn lucky. I looked back up to see that Josh wasn’t looking at me, and his cheeks were burning bright red. When he felt that I was looking at him, he hesitantly met my eyes.

“What?” He smiled shyly, putting his hands behind his head.

“You… you are so _fucking_ hot Josh, God, I – I just want to…” And then I was grasping his dick, pumping it a few times before taking just the head in my mouth, licking delicately. Josh moaned, louder than he ever had before, and that encouraged me to continue.

I honestly had no fucking clue what I was doing, since this was the first blowjob I’d ever given, but based on the whimpers sounding from Josh, I figured I was doing alright. I licked up and down his cock and then took him as far into my mouth as possible, grasping the rest with my hand as my mouth found a steady rhythm. I paused every once in awhile to experiment with my tongue, seeing what I could do to make Josh moan louder.

As I continued, Josh brought his hands from behind his head, one of them gripping the sheets beside him and the other gripping my hair. Every time I did something that Josh really liked, he tugged gently on my hair.

I loved hearing Josh like this. He was desperate, and vulnerable, and I wanted to hear those sounds for the rest of my life.

“Fuck, Ty, so good,” Josh whined as I pressed my tongue against the tip of his dick. “So so good,” he continued as he bucked his hips into my mouth.

It didn’t take much longer of Josh bucking into my mouth as I took him in as far as possible before his movements were getting less rhythmical and more forceful. He gripped my hair tighter than before, almost enough to hurt.

“Baby, gonna come, gonna, gon – _ahhh,”_ and then he was coming hard into my mouth, writhing with pleasure and gripping the sheets and practically screaming. I lifted my eyes up to look at Josh’s face as he came in my mouth, wanting to keep that mental image forever; his head was thrown back against the pillow, eyes squeezed shut, his mouth open even when there was no sound coming out. As I continued bobbing my head to let him ride out his orgasm, his moaning turned to whimpering and he released his death grip on the sheets and my hair, before he lowered his hips back onto the bed and let out a huge breath. I swallowed what was in my mouth and sat back on my heels to watch Josh as his breathing steadied out, with one hand draped across his stomach and the other in his hair. His eyes were closed gently for a moment as he collected himself, and then he opened his eyes to look over at me and smile lazily.

“Oh – my – God,” Josh said between deep breaths. “You are so fucking good,” Josh said, grinning wider. He sat in silence for a minute before sitting up suddenly. “Wait, holy shit, was that like… the first blowjob you’ve ever given?” I smiled shyly and nodded. “Jesus Christ. If I think about that for too long I swear to God I’ll get hard again,” Josh groaned, squeezing his eyes shut again.

“Feel free,” I smirked, reaching my arm out to gently run my pointer finger along Josh’s dick, giggling when he flinched at the sensitivity.

Josh then looked down, and noticed the outline of my still painfully hard dick through my boxers.

“Want me to take care of that?” He grinned smugly at me, causing my cock to throb.

“Actually, I kinda wanted to…” I trailed off sheepishly. “I kinda wanted to hump you until I came,” I spoke quickly.

“Fuck. Please, God yes.” Josh laid flat on his back and I climbed on top of him, leaning down to kiss his neck.

I pressed kisses all across Josh’s neck, stopping to suck gently every now and then, before I pushed myself up and pushed Josh’s hair off of his forehead.

“Can I kiss you?” I said, looking into his eyes lovingly. “You know, even though I totally just had your dick in my mouth.”

Josh laughed before reaching his arm up to grab my neck and pull me down to kiss him. I sighed into the kiss and gently rolled my hips once against Josh as we slowly and lazily made out. I moaned into Josh’s mouth and simultaneously picked up the rhythm of my hips and the intensity of our kisses, until we were passionately and almost sloppily making out, and I was grinding against Josh with enthusiasm.

Josh apparently found enough energy, even in his post-orgasmic haze, to grab my hips and begin grinding up to meet my thrusts, and then all of the sudden I was overwhelmed with pleasure, and I had to pull my lips off of Josh’s to moan into his shoulder. As we continued to grind our hips into each other, I sat up to increase the force of my thrusts. I threw my head back as my occasional moans became one long moan, growing in volume at every thrust. The friction felt so insanely good that I felt like I was gonna die of pleasure and float away to heaven.

“God... yes, baby,” Josh said as he thrusted up into me.

“Holy shit, are you hard?” I moaned.

“Only for you baby, you do something to me - _shit!_ ” Josh said on one particularly forceful thrust.

“Consider – _mmmm_ – consider me impressed,” I breathed out. And I really was. It had been less than 15 minutes since Josh came and he was rock hard again. Ah, the wonders of being young and also being grinded on desperately.

I momentarily slowed the rhythm of our hips causing both me and Josh to let out long, desperate moans. I was whining and whimpering and digging my fingers into Josh’s shoulders as my rhythm began to stutter and my stomach grew hotter.

“Yes, oh my God, please Josh, please please – _oh_ ,” and then all of the sudden I was coming, my head falling forward against Josh’s shoulder as I rocked against him and sobbed with pleasure, my body shaking.

Josh let out a yelp of pleasure and then he was groaning, and I could still feel his hips thrusting up into mine.

“Good boy, God, such a good boy, Ty,” Josh moaned as I rode out the aftershocks of pleasure. I kept my head against Josh’s shoulder, panting heavily and trying to recollect myself.

“Oh God, oh _God_ ,” and then Josh was sobbing with pleasure too, his hands still digging into my hips as he thrusted. Even though my brain was foggy, I knew what Josh needed, and so I began grinding my hips down into his again, whimpering when he pressed against my sensitive dick.

“Please, baby boy, fuck yes,” Josh whined desperately, and then his grip on me was tightening as I felt his hips shaking under me.

Josh let out a final strangled moan as he came, curling his toes and twitching as he slowly came down from climax. And then we were panting heavily against each other for several minutes until I realized that I really wanted to get out of these boxers. I pushed myself up and looked down at Josh, whose eyes were closed as he breathed heavily with his mouth open. I stroked the side of his face and he opened his eyes to look at me, leaning into my touch. I leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before rolling off of him and standing up.

“Where ya going, pretty boy?” Josh asked me, grinning. My heart fluttered at the nickname.

I gestured downwards. “This is a bit… uncomfortable. Got any boxers I could borrow?” Josh chuckled.

“Right, you sorta came in your boxers and I sorta came _on_ your boxers. Yeah, top drawer,” he said, gesturing to the dresser. I pulled out a random pair of boxers and didn’t hesitate to strip out of mine and pull the new ones on, with full knowledge that Josh was watching me intently. I figured at this point, we’d both seen each other’s dicks enough times to be able to change in front of each other.

I then picked my shirt up off the floor and headed for the door.

“Okay, _now_ where are you going?”

“I made coffee,” I grinned, walking towards the kitchen.

 


	10. the life and times of Joshua Dun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's troubled past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey howdy y'all what's poppin?! i'm finally home from Japan and I am so excited to get back to writing. I can't wait to see where this fic will go. for now, I leave you with this: the first Josh-narrated chapter. it's all just descriptions of his past, we'll get back to the plot shortly.
> 
> warnings:  
> this chapter is a tough one. there's lots of homophobia, homophobic slurs, verbal abuse, and minor physical abuse and alcoholism. stay safe friends. never let anyone make you believe you're less than extraordinary. never let anyone make you believe that there's something wrong with you. you are amazing and worthy of every good thing in the universe, whether you believe it now or not, i promise you. so don't you let anyone make you think otherwise.

Josh’s POV

 

            Tyler and I were still unable to keep our hands off of each other for the rest of the day. After breakfast, we decided that we both needed to shower, so of course we decided to shower together. We had only intended to get clean, but instead we ended up sucking each other off under the stream of warm water. We spent the whole day in my apartment together, playing video games or watching movies or listening to music and talking. As we curled up on the couch together, I couldn’t stop myself from reaching down and resting my hand on Tyler’s crotch above his boxers, surprised to find out that he was completely hard. When I looked over at him with a shocked and somewhat cocky expression, he flushed a bright shade of red and squeezed his eyes shut.

            “Jooosshhh….” He groaned. “Why do you do this to me?” He asked, referencing the fact that my hand was completely still on his dick.

            I leaned over to kiss his neck and whisper in his ear. “Already completely hard just thinking about me, huh?” The thought, of course, made me hard as well.

            Tyler gulped and nodded quickly. “Yes,” he breathed out.

            “That’s a good boy,” I whispered in his ear.

            I palmed him through his boxers until he was moaning desperately and coming, ruining his second pair of boxers in one day. I’d completely forgotten what movie we were watching.

            I had no idea how Tyler made me so crazy. I’d never been so attracted to someone. And I _knew_ that I was falling in love with him, but I was honestly scared out of my mind. He had no idea that I was scared, I could tell. I seemed confident to him. But I felt like letting him believe that everything about me was simple and perfect was deceiving him. I’d have to tell him the truth, tell him everything that had happened to me. The truth was, falling in love was scary. I’d been in love before, and I’d had my heart broken.

            His name was Ethan. He was new to my high school the first day of senior year. My grandma had died that summer, and my grandpa and I didn’t get along. I hadn’t made any friends at my new school and I had no one anymore. I was in a horrible place emotionally, and I’d considered giving up more than once. And then Ethan came along. He was outgoing, and bright, and I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He had the prettiest hazel green eyes, and wavy dirty blond hair. He reminded me of the typical image of a “California guy.” He was so attractive that he immediately became popular at our school. I don’t think he even knew who I was, besides that I was the quiet kid with red hair that he had a few classes with.

            And then, as fate goes, we were paired up for an English project. I remember the first thing he said to me after finding out we were partners.

            “God damn, lucky me. My partner is smart _and_ hot.”

            And we quickly grew closer. For a few months, we were just friends. We clearly were both attracted to each other, and there was always a little bit of flirting, but neither of us were out of the closet yet. I’d known for a long time that I was attracted to guys, but I was terrified of admitting it to anyone. I hadn’t grown up religious or anything, it just seemed so taboo to me. I knew all the gay kids at my school got bullied, some by none other than Ethan’s popular friends. I’d heard my grandpa disapprovingly say, “I can’t believe what we’ve come to, they’re putting fags on the television now.” Ethan, I assume, felt the same way. Neither of us could even admit our feelings to ourselves, much less to each other. That was, until we went to a party together and got completely wasted.

            Neither of us had ever been so drunk in our lives. We somehow found ourselves in some random kids bedroom, sitting together on the bed and laughing at everything and nothing together. All of the sudden, Ethan’s tone got serious.

            “Do you think it weird to… to like guys? Like, to be gay?” He played with his shirt as he spoke. I swallowed hard.

            “N- no. I mean, I’m…” I stopped myself before I said it. Ethan made eye contact with me, his green eyes sparkling with something I’d never quite seen there before.

            “Josh, I… I think I wanna kiss you,” he slurred his words together.

            I nodded desperately. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, sure.” I swallowed again.

            And then Ethan and I were slowly leaning towards each other, grasping each other’s faces and necks and making eye contact as we brought our foreheads together. And then his lips were on mine and it felt like magic.

            The kiss was drunk and sloppy, but it was still so _incredible_ to me. It was something I’d wanted for so long but never thought I could have.

            And so we started dating in secret. Any chance we could, we would spend time together, and he was completely addictive. He was the only person who I really felt understood me, and this made me dependent on him. Too dependent. He was the source of my happiness, and the joy that I drew from him was so dizzyingly magical that I ignored all of his faults just to be with him. I was terrified of losing him, and so I pretended that over time, he hadn’t started treating me like shit.

            The first big bump in the road towards my eventual heartbreak happened at a huge start-of-summer party. _All_ of the kids from my school were there. Recently, there had been rumors going around that Ethan and I were gay for each other. We both did our best to deny them, but people were still suspicious, and so Ethan said that we should “avoid each other” in public from now on.

            I knew our relationship was supposed to be a secret, but now he didn’t even want to speak to me publicly at all. He wouldn’t even be my friend anymore. I was so used to being with him at parties, I usually looked forward to them. But I dreaded this one. Who was I going to talk to? I realized that my obsession with Ethan had left me with no other friends.

            I walked around the party aimlessly, feeling pitiful and lonely. I downed alcohol just to try to pretend the pain wasn’t there. I was drunk and stumbling towards the bonfire, when I saw Ethan with a group of his popular friends. I heard my name, and so I kept walking towards them.

            “… that’s _gross._ Josh Dun and I are not fucking. He’s nothing but a disgusting fag. I stopped talking to him the second I found out he likes dick. No way would I be friends with a fag.” And then Ethan and all of his friends were laughing together. I stood by silently, tears welling up in my eyes.

            “Ethan?” I said quietly. I sounded pathetic and I knew it, but I wanted him to _look_ at me. I wanted him to know that I was in pain. I thought that if he saw me, if he saw what he’d done, he’d take it all back. He’d apologize. Anything. But he just stared at me in disgust. One of his friends piped up beside him.

            “Speak of the devil. Had any dicks up your ass lately, Dun?” The random kid said, causing the group to burst into laughter again. I shook my head disbelievingly, not taking my eyes off of Ethan. The group grew quiet as I stared.

            “What do you want from me, fag?” That was all Ethan said. I could hear him struggle against the words, but he still said it. He still looked me in the eyes and called me a fag. After everything we’d been through, after all the _pain_ he’d helped me through, he was willing to rip my heart into pieces just to protect himself. In the midst of the utter pain and betrayal I was feeling, there was anger. The alcohol in my system only fueled the deep, fiery anger that lit up in my heart. I’d never felt so much rage in my life. I balled my fists together, pressing my fingernails into my palms painfully, before I blurted out something I knew I shouldn’t have said. Something I immediately regretted.

            “How can you say that?” I spat. “How can you stand there and call me a fag when you’re the one who takes my dick in your ass?” The group fell silent, and I heard one kid whisper “Oh shit.” Ethan’s face turned white and for a moment I thought there was no way he could recover from this. I thought I’d just outed us both to the entire student body, but Ethan was too clever for that.

            “In your dreams, Dun. Didn’t know you were a homo _and_ a liar. So in your fantasies, _I_ take it in the ass?” He scoffed, and his group giggled again. “Everyone can tell you’re the twink that likes to take dick, Dun.” A murmur of agreement and more laughter from his friends.

            I’d practically just committed social suicide and ruined my relationship at the same time, so I immediately turned on my heel and left before I started crying in front of a bunch of homophobic douchebags. That wouldn’t have gone well. I heard Ethan and all of his friends hollering and laughing and mock wolf-whistling as I walked away. I felt a pain in my chest that hurt so bad I wondered if it was possible to die of a broken heart.

            I thought that would be the end of our relationship. But as mad as I was at Ethan, as humiliated as he’d made me feel, I was still in love with him. I was so, unbelievably in love with him that for some sick, twisted reason, I wanted him back. He’d been calling me for days, asking me to come over. I assumed he wanted to apologize, but that’s not what happened.

            “How could you do that to me Ethan? I love you,” I said angrily as I sat on his bed. He stroked my cheek and looked into my eyes sympathetically and almost patronizingly, as if I were a little kid whose pet rock had died.

            “Oh, I know, baby, but we’ve talked about this,” he said to me, speaking to me like I was silly. “People can’t know about us, and I have a _lot_ more to lose than you do.” I felt those words as if he’d punched me in the gut. I moved away from his touch.

            “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

            “I’m going to college, Josh. I have a football scholarship, and a career ahead of me. I have parents, and siblings, and a bright future. And you…” He looked me up and down and sighed. “You’re nothing but a wanna-be rockstar and an orphan.” I felt tears well up in my eyes.

            “Screw you. You’re a piece of shit, Ethan.” I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm firmly.

            “You can’t leave me, Joshie bear. I’m the only one who will ever love you.” He gently kissed the back of my neck. “Without me, you have no one. And that’s why you’ll stay.”

            And I did. I stayed because I was alone, and that terrified me. I stayed because I believed what he said. He had power over me, way too much power, and for years I would kiss his feet and fulfill his every request, because I thought that I needed him.

            I found myself unable to sleep most nights, wondering where everything went wrong. Ethan used to be so different. He used to play with my hair, and message my back, and tell me that everything was going to be alright. He used to tell me how much he loved me, how someday we could be together in public, how he wanted to marry me. He used to ask me to drum for him, tell me how amazing I was, tell me that there was no one else like me. He told me he’d never hurt me.

            But somewhere between that version of Ethan and the new one, the lies had messed with my brain and it was as though I was hard-wired to obey him. This went on for 4 years. 4 _fucking_ years I put up with his bullshit. It wasn’t until after my grandpa’s funeral that things finally ended. It was our biggest and final fight.

            Ethan didn’t come with me to my grandpa’s funeral. He’d said he was “busy” but he hadn’t been specific. I told him it was okay but it hurt. My grandpa and I weren’t close, but he was the last family I had left. Only a few other people came to his funeral, old friends and coworkers, and his caretaker. I didn’t know any of them. I had to stand in front of a handful of strangers and give a eulogy for a man I barely knew.

            I couldn’t stop crying on my way home. I needed to be comforted; I needed Ethan’s strong arms around me to hold me while I cried. So without even thinking about it, I drove to his apartment. I unlocked the door with my spare key and what I saw when I opened the door made me so sick to my stomach that before I even had time to speak, I dropped to my knees and puked all over the floor.

            There was Ethan, being bent over the couch and fucked by some guy I’d never seen before. My head was spinning so fast that I barely realized that Ethan was yanking me upwards.

            “I told you I was busy,” he growled.

            Tears fell down my face. “This is why you missed my grandfather’s funeral? To let some random dude fuck you in the ass?”

            “Yo, Ethan, what the fuck is this? You never said you had a boyfriend.”

            Ethan turned around to address the stranger, who was quickly getting dressed and heading for the door. “No, Jamie, I don’t! Don’t leave, let me explain!” Ethan let go of his grip on my arm, causing me to stumble backwards and almost lose my balance. He followed Jamie towards the door and gripped his arm, gentler than he’d gripped mine. Jamie violently shook out of Ethan’s grip.

            “Hell no. I’m not sticking around for this bullshit schoolboy drama,” Jamie said, looking me up and down and shaking his head before he slammed the door. Ethan and I were quiet for a moment, before he turned to me, his eyes glowing with rage.

            “You,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “I shouldn’t have given you that fucking spare key. _I_ decide when I want to see you, you don’t just get to come crawling to me because you’re blubbering like a fucking baby,” he proceeded to mock my tears, only causing me to cry harder. “And now, _now,”_ he laughed harshly, “you might have cost me the best dick of my life,” he gestured to the door that Jamie had just slammed.

            “You know what? You can get the hell out,” Ethan spat at me. I just looked at him and blinked. “You heard me, you fucking pest, get the _fuck_ out of my apartment. And never come back. I’m done putting up with your whiny bullshit. No wonder you have no one else. I was the only one who was able to put up with you, but my patience has worn thin. So get the fuck out.”

            I felt like I was unable to move my feet. I could hardly process what he was saying. After all these years, after all of the pain, he still had me wrapped around his little finger.

            “But, Ethan…” I started, walking towards him with my arm extended. He swatted my arm away and looked at me darkly.

            “I don’t want you anymore, Josh. It’s time for you to leave.” His voice was calmer this time, but condescending.

            “Ethan, please don’t leave me,” I sobbed, shaking and terrified. I couldn’t be alone. I just couldn’t.

            And then it happened.

            Ethan swung at me with an open palm, hitting me hard across the cheek, producing a nauseatingly loud and sharp sound. I cried out and gripped my stinging cheek with my hands. I looked into Ethan’s eyes with disbelief and silent pleading, but he didn’t look at me. So I stormed out of his apartment and never saw him again.

            My life fell apart after Ethan and I broke up. It took me almost two years to recover. The entire first year, I missed him desperately. I texted him almost daily until he changed his number. I realized that it was really over this time.

            I truly hit rock bottom at that point in my life. I had no one now, and I had no idea how to cope, so I decided to self-medicate with alcohol. I got drunk almost every night, but it wasn’t enough. I was so lonely. And so I started picking up random guys at bars, taking them home and fucking them hard and fast, before making them leave. This vicious cycle continued for around a year. Of all of the guys who I picked up, I only found one that I liked enough to let stay. His name was Jayce and he was so unbelievably kind.

            He was so small, the smallest guy I’d ever been with. But what he lacked in size, he made up for in personality. He was loud, and outgoing, and was a constant ball of energy and enthusiasm. He had big blue eyes and brown curly hair, a lot like what mine looked like naturally. Jayce was the person that finally brought me out of my shell, got me to stop drinking and helped me feel like myself again, something I honestly hadn’t felt since before my mother died. He helped me learn how to drink responsibly and was the one that first taught me how to mix drinks. He helped me realize that my relationship with Ethan had been abusive, and he’d comforted me at night when I would have panic attacks just thinking about Ethan. He taught me that not everyone was like Ethan, that not everyone would hurt me, that it was okay to learn to trust again.

We dated for almost a year, but what I loved more than anything about Jayce was the companionship, the comfort and support he gave me. I didn’t really love him romantically or sexually, and I knew that I needed to learn how to be on my own without falling apart. I told him how I felt, how I loved having him in my life but didn’t think we should be together. I was terrified of how he’d respond, afraid he’d hurt me like Ethan did. But he was nothing but kind and understanding, per typical Jayce fashion.

He told me he’d always love me and always want to be with me, and that it would be hard to be just friends with me, but he wanted what was best for me. That was just the kind of guy he was. He was so _pure_ and I’ll always be thankful that he came into my life.

Jayce and I remained friends until a little under a year ago when his mother got sick and he had to move back to Florida. This past year had been the year in which I really discovered myself, learned that it was okay to be alone. I’d gotten a job as a bartender, and met my best friend Hayley. Life was already better than it had ever been for me, and then Tyler crashed into me in the street.

Tyler was unlike anyone I’d met before. He was so amazing, so brilliant and talented, and yet he had no idea. He was constantly anxious and worrying, and he cried. Boy, did he cry. I fell a little bit more in love with Tyler every time he cried in my arms. It reminded me of the years in my life when I needed nothing more than someone to hold me while I cried. To tell me that I would be okay, that crying didn’t make me weak or less of a man. I needed Tyler to know that he deserved the world and so, so much more.

I wish Tyler saw in himself what I see in him. I can see the light behind his eyes, the light that’s been clouded for so long by the torment of his own brain. And I see the pain, too. The pain that’s been there since the day we’ve met, the pain that I want to make go away.

Tyler is so afraid, and it breaks my heart. I remember being the scared 18-year-old kid who tried so hard to deny that I was gay, who _hated_ myself for not being straight like everyone else I knew. I see that same fear in him now, and I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to make Tyler believe that it’s okay. That he’s okay, and perfect, and amazing, and everything I never knew I needed.

Love, true love, was something I never thought I’d have after what happened with Ethan. But all of the fear, all of the doubt, _all_ of it faded away when I looked into those big, round, caramel colored eyes of Tyler’s. When he smiled, crooked teeth and scrunched eyes, and when he laughed, a goofy, high-pitched sound that was like music to my ears. It was terrifying to be falling so hard and so fast. But Tyler was so open with me, so vulnerable, and my heart finally allowed itself to love.

I know I had to tell Tyler everything that had happened, let him know that I think he’s an angel, tell him that I want to be with him until the end of time. I had to tell him about the fear and pain in my past, about the relationship that made me afraid to allow myself to trust and feel. But I’d trusted Tyler since the moment he sat in that bar stool, twirling his hair and sheepishly asking to go to dinner with me. And I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I was right to trust him. I knew that Tyler Joseph was going to change my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. Ethan and Jayce are both original characters and not based on any existing people.


	11. this chapter is so fluffy i'm gonna die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is kinda short compared to the other ones. writers block why r u like this

Tyler and I spent the rest of the weekend together, soaking in as much of each other’s company as possible before he had to go back to work on Monday. Thank God it was his last week. I couldn’t describe how excited I was to spend the entire summer with him. Tyler and I had always had a thing for clichés, but he had no idea of how nauseatingly romantic and adorable our summer together would be. I’d already begun making plans, very top secret and very cheesy plans.

The song “Summer Lovin” from Grease popped into my head. It was a ridiculous thought and I laughed at myself. But that really was what I wanted for us: the most romantic summer of our lives. The greatest part was that it wasn’t going to end when summer ended. After just a little over a month of knowing each other, I caught myself fantasizing about our future.

And so help me, I was letting myself fall for this kid. Because when you meet someone like Tyler Joseph, you don’t waste time denying that you’re not crazy about them. I just couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough for Tyler to feel the same way. This was going to be a fucking _great_ summer.

All Saturday night and Sunday, we were on top of each other constantly like a couple of horny teenagers. I’d never felt anything quite like I felt when we were together, when his lips were against mine, when his skin was touching mine. He stirred something in me, lit a fire in my heart that burned so deeply it ached. I knew it was cheesy, and ridiculous, and maybe all of this was too much too soon, but Tyler was so _unbelievable._ And it wasn’t just about the physical attraction or the sex. Tyler Joseph was something else entirely.

His mind was a delicate and beautiful place, but had the ability to be so dark and unforgiving. It was a lot like a lucid dream that gets out of control and goes terribly wrong. He was so brilliant, so deep and emotional, his mind never slowing down, spewing creativity and constantly questioning everything around him. But I knew that, much like myself, there was the part of his mind that worried too much. The part of his mind that wanted to suffer. The part of his mind that, even in the happiest of times, buried him in a blanket of darkness that felt suffocating. And all I could do was try, desperately, to show him that he was perfect.

Over those 48 hours together, Tyler and I spent a lot of our time just talking, wanting so desperately to know every detail about each other. It warmed my heart to know that he could be so open with me. He told me about how long he’d struggled with his sexuality, his depression, his anxiety, and the never-ending fear and worry that these things brought to his life. He told me how the repetition of his life had started to wear down at him, making him feel like a metal skeleton stripped of skin. He even told me he might go back to school.

“It’s just, middle schoolers don’t _get_ it. I mean, see it in some of my students, I do. I see the ones that pay attention, the ones that try their best, the ones that come in for tutoring after school. And I can’t describe the feeling I get when I can encourage a kid to pursue music. It makes me feel so fulfilled, so _happy._ But most of them, they treat music like a joke, like it’s a class that doesn’t really matter and so they can just bullshit their way through it. They can’t understand, they can’t possibly understand what music can do.” Those big caramel brown eyes of his lit up when he talked about music. “It can make you feel anything, and everything, it can inspire you, make you feel complete, give you _purpose._ When I felt alone, like not a soul in the world understood me, music was still there. It’s always changing, and yet it never leaves. It’s something that we can undoubtedly and unworryingly put our faith into, because music will always be able to change lives. As long as there’s love, and joy, and _good_ in the world, music will be created, and music will change us, and move us, and complete us.”

“Tyler Joseph,” I said disbelievingly, wonder and awe filling my eyes. “You truly are something else. You are… wonderful. So, so wonderful.”

I didn’t think there were words in the English language to describe just how wonderful I thought he was.

 

*

 I had been lucky enough to get that weekend off, but I was back to work on Monday. Honestly, you’d be surprised at the amount of people that come into a bar on weeknights.

“I missed you this weekend,” Hayley said as we unlocked the tavern and walked in together. “Let’s just say I do _not_ like the new kid as much as I like you. He’s good at what he does, I’ll admit it, but he’s super outgoing. Like, frustratingly outgoing.”

I let out a laugh. Hayley wasn’t exactly the most compassionate person I knew, but I loved her anyways.

“What’s his name?”

“J something… Oh! Jayce.” My heart skipped a beat.

“J-Jayce? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure…” Hayley looked at me, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing. Nothing. I just – I knew a Jayce once. He moved to Florida like, a year ago.”

Hayley’s eyes widened. “Yeah… this is totally the same guy. Just moved back here from Florida. Oh shit. Is working with him gonna be a problem?”

“No, of course not! I mean, we were still friends after we broke up, and –“

“Wait wait wait, slow down! He’s your _ex_?” I swallowed and nodded.

“Yup.”

“If you two are on such good terms, why are you acting like I just told you you’re going to be bartending with the ghost of your grandfather?” I laughed nervously.

“We just haven’t talked since he went to Florida. I don’t know. I just think it might be a little… awkward to see him again. It’s been so long.”

“Joshua Dun, you are one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. You’ll be fine.”

“He helped me through a lot of shit. He was really good for me, you know? I just didn’t feel “that way” about him. Like, the love way.” Hayley let out one loud laugh.

“The _love way_?” She said, raising her eyebrows and smirking. “And what about Tyler? Do you feel the “love way” about him?” She nudged my shoulder. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling when she mentioned Tyler.

“I don’t know…” I responded, blushing and looking down at my feet.

“Oh my God!” Hayley grinned at me. “You totally do! You totally feel the love way about this guy!”

“Hayley, do not make me regret telling you every single detail of my love life,” I warned, blushing a deeper shade of red. “You’re embarrassing me.”

She continued grinning. “Yeah, clearly.” She poked my cheek and I ducked away.

“I… I think I do. Love him.” I grinned stupidly and looked down at my feet. Suddenly, Hayley was flinging her arms around me.

“Joshua Dun, you are so fricking adorable.” She pulled away from me and put her hands on my shoulders, eyes still lit up with excitement. “So? Are you gonna tell him?”

“Well, yeah, eventually, but it just seems too soon. I don’t wanna freak him out or anything.” Hayley sighed and shook her head.

“Any guy would be lucky to be loved by the one and only Josh Dun,” and then she was poking my cheek again.

“Quit embarrassing me!” Hayley giggled and walked behind the bar.

“I forgot, we’re actually here to be working and not gossiping about your _boyfriend_ ,” she drew out the word and smirked. My eyes widened with realization.

“Shit, I haven’t even asked Tyler to be my boyfriend yet! We were just discussing whether or not I’m gonna tell the kid I love him and we aren’t even official.”

“Dude! Come on! Get on that! And make it romantic. It’s the Josh Dun way, after all.” I blushed and threw a towel at Hayley and she dodged it, erupting into laughter again.

“You know me too well, Hayley Williams.”

 

I was distracted all night with thoughts of Tyler. I think I spilled about $100 worth of alcohol in the midst of my daydreaming.

 _Shit,_ I thought to myself. _I am so far gone._

But in the midst of my Tyler-filled daydreams, worry swirled around in my head.  _Jayce._

I knew I had no reason to be nervous. Hayley was right, it made no sense to be nervous considering that Jayce and I were on good terms. But so much had changed since I last saw Jayce. He once told me that he'd always love me. What if he was telling the truth? What if he still had feelings for me that I could never return?

And Tyler... how would Tyler feel about me working with my ex?  _Dammit,_ I thought,  _he doesn't even know about Jayce._

I had a lot to tell Tyler.


	12. confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An argument, an apology, a confession.
> 
> AKA hella fluff.  
> why am i so cheesy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO WAY i can't believe i'm updating this fic it's been so long. i'm really into my other fic right now (called hot teachers are really distracting check it out if you have the chance) but this fic will always hold a special place in my heart. i fully intend on finishing both of the fics i have right now, but writing two at one time gets kinda confusing haha. this chapter is DRAMATIC AF i think you'll enjoy xoxoxo

On Wednesday, I was going to work my first shift with Jayce. Hayley wasn’t even going to be there, and I had wished she’d be there to diffuse some of the tension. But honestly, I had no idea if there was even going to _be_ tension. This situation could go a million different ways and overanalyzing the possibilities wasn’t doing me any good.

I walked into work just before 5 pm, after texting Tyler a picture of the sign outside of our pizza place that said they now had pasta on the menu.

I took a deep breath as I approached the door, swinging it open, my eyes immediately landing on a tiny brunet sweeping the floor. Jayce.

He looked just like he had a year ago, thin and barely reaching 5’3”, his curly brown hair grown out on top and shaved at the sides. He turned around when he heard the door open, those familiar blue eyes meeting mine for the first time in a year. His eyes lit up when he saw me, and he grinned as he leaned the broom against the counter and ran up to me to engulf me in a bone-crushing hug.

I returned the hug, laughing and stumbling backwards.

“Josh!” he said enthusiastically as we pulled away.

“Jayce, long time no see, dude!”

“Yeah, no shit!” We grinned at each other for a moment and then he stood on his tip toes to briefly run his fingers through my hair. “Blue. I like it.”

We decided to continue cleaning the tavern while we caught up. I was wiping down the counter while Jayce swept.

“So how’ve you been?” I asked. I remembered why he’d left LA in the first place. “And… your mom?”

Jayce paused his movement and looked up at me sadly. “She, uh… she didn’t make it. She passed away about 4 months ago, and I stayed down in Florida with the rest of my family until everything was sorted out.”

“God, I’m so sorry Jayce.”

“Don’t worry about me, Josh. I’ll be fine. My mom would be cursing me from the great beyond if I let her death slow down anything in my life. She always had a good outlook on death, and it made it a lot easier for me to say goodbye.” Jayce paused for a moment. “I’m glad to see you’re doing well.”

“You saw me at my worst, and here I am, doing great. Honestly, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“When Hayley found out that we know each other, she started acting drastically more friendly. Is she always so stand-offish at first?”

I laughed, remembering the first time I’d met Hayley, when the first thing she said to me was “You better not be a shitty bartender. If you epically fuck up, don’t expect my sympathy.”

“Yeah, she is. She takes awhile to warm up to strangers, but I love her. She’s great.”

“She says the same things about you. She… she said you were nervous when you found out we’d be working together.”

I swallowed. “She… she told you that?”

“Yeah.”

“I wasn’t exactly nervous, I just didn’t know what it would be like to see you again. But now, thinking about it, I had no idea why it shouldn’t have been obvious that we’d still be friends.”

“Of course we’re still friends. I really did miss you, Josh. Sorry for being a total stranger for the last year, dealing with my mom and the rest of my family was more stressful that I ever could’ve imagined.”

“I get it, don’t worry. I missed you too. I forgot what it’s like to have a friend that isn’t constantly making fun of me,” I grinned.

“Well now you have one obnoxiously sweet friend and one bitter little fireball.”

“Bitter little fireball. That’s exactly what Hayley is. Though, I don’t think you can really call her little, considering you two are the same height.”

“Fair enough. Not like I have to be reminded that I’m itty bitty, I’m aware.”

Jayce and I quickly fell into our old pattern of friendship, and I was really happy to have him back in my life.

Next up on my to-do list was talk to Tyler. About _everything._

 

It was Friday evening when I called Tyler.

“Hi you,” he said through the phone, and I could hear his smile.

“I’m taking you on a date tonight.”

Tyler laughed softly. “When? Where? Dress code?”

“8 pm, meet me at my apartment, look pretty.”

 

Exactly at 8 pm, I heard a soft knock on my apartment door, immediately flooding my stomach with nerves. I opened the door and Tyler was standing there, grinning, all full lips and crooked teeth that made me want to pull him into my bedroom for the rest of the night.

I’d told Tyler to look pretty, and _shit,_ he really did. He wore a floral print button down with black jeans, and his fluffy hair sat perfectly on the top of his head. Before either of us could even get a word in, I grabbed Tyler’s face and kissed him.

“What was that for?” Tyler giggled as I pulled away.

“For being so darn pretty.”

 

I’d chosen a small bistro with an ocean-view patio, and everything was perfectly romantic, just the way both of us liked it. Tyler’s eyes glowed in the dim lighting and how beautiful he looked was almost enough to distract me from how nervous I felt. I was about to tell Tyler my entire life story, and I hadn’t been so open with someone since I was with Jayce.

“Tyler, I need to tell you something. Well, a lot of somethings.”

Tyler looked at me nervously as he took a sip of wine.

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry. Well, not really. It’s just that… you’re so open with me. I love how you can tell me everything and it’s unfair that I haven’t done the same. I have a… troubled past, when it comes to relationships, and I trust you, Tyler. You deserve to know everything. I want to _tell_ you everything.”

Tyler nodded, encouraging me to continue, so I did.

I told Tyler about how much I’d struggled with my sexuality, how alone I felt when I met Ethan, how dependent I was on him, how he manipulated me into staying with him, my problems with alcohol, and how there was this one guy who I dated that really helped me through most of it.

“Why’d you two break up?” Tyler paused, moving his food around with his fork. “I mean, he sounds perfect.”

“Tyler.” I put my hand on his from across the table. “I loved him, sure, but I wasn’t _in_ love with him the way he needed me to be. There wasn’t… a spark, I guess. It sounds silly, but I never saw him as someone I could be with long-term. He was really just a great friend, and someone that I needed at that time.” Tyler nodded and there was a beat of silence. “I… need to tell you something else about Jayce.” Tyler looked into my eyes expectantly. “He lives in LA again, just moved back, and he… actually, he works at The Venice Tavern.”

Tyler’s face shifted a bit, and he stopped pushing around his food.

“I… I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Are you upset?”

“That you’re working with your angel of an ex who said he’d always love you?”

“You’re jealous.”

Tyler scoffed. “Should I be?”

“God, no, that’s not what I meant. I told you, it was never like that with him.”

“It was never _like that_? So you didn’t fuck him on a regular basis for a year?”

I swallowed hard. I was kidding myself if I thought Tyler would be totally happy about this whole thing.

“He was really good for me, Ty. I needed someone good to help me through all of the shit I was dealing with.”

“No, I get that, I do. My friend Brendon has helped me through some shit. I never had to fuck him, though. That doesn’t _have_ to be part of the deal if it was _never really like that._ ”

I felt my stomach twist with annoyance. Why was he being like this?

“Oh, right, because you’re always so honest about how you truly feel in your relationships.”

Tyler sat back in his chair and sighed angrily, chewing on his lip. “Are you gonna tell me what that’s supposed to mean?”

“It means that you fucked Jenna for 9 years when it was never really like that.” I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.

Tyler crossed his arms, clearly putting effort into not yelling at me.

“’Oh Tyler, I understand you, you can tell me anything, I won’t judge you,’” Tyler blatantly mocked me. I slammed my fork down on the table, but Tyler didn’t even flinch.

“I’m not judging you, Tyler. I’m trying to show you that both of us have had troubled relationships in the past, and you have no right to judge me for my relationship with Jayce.”

Tyler sighed and ran a hand down his face. “Fine. You’re right. It was unfair of me. I just… how am I supposed to feel about you seeing him almost every day? Am I supposed to pretend like it doesn’t piss me off? Should it _not_ piss me off?”

“I told you this because I need you to know that it’s not a problem. Working with Jayce won’t change the way I feel about you.”

Tyler looked up at me in silence, his expression completely blank.

“Tyler, the shit that’s happened in our past… talking about it isn’t going to help us. We can only move forward. And I want to move forward with _you._ ”

Tyler swallowed hard, staring at his plate.

“Be my boyfriend, Tyler.”

Tyler looked up at me, eyebrows furrowed. He shook his head at me, tears clearly forming in his eyes. “No.”

My heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean _no_?”

“I mean _no_ , Josh.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes. “Why?” I choked out.

Tyler sniffed and I saw a tear fall down his cheek. “You said Jayce was good for you. You deserve good, Josh. I’m not… I’m not good for you.”

“How could you say that?”

“I’m not bubbly and outgoing and all happy-go-lucky like Mr. Perfect, okay? I don’t want to be your problem.”

“Tyler, you are _not_ a problem. Do you know how happy you make me?”

Tyler silently avoided eye contact.

“God, I have never wanted anyone the way I want you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You can’t walk away from me because you’re afraid of yourself. I won’t let you.”

“You can’t. You can’t want me. I can never be with you the way you need me to. I can’t be… I can’t be with… my parents…”

I swallowed. “You can’t be gay.”

“I don’t want to be.”

“That’s not how it works. You know that’s not how it works. Walking away from me isn’t going to make things easier, how don’t you get that? I want to help you, Tyler.”

“I don’t want your help,” Tyler sobbed.

I laced my fingers with Tyler’s across the table. To my relief, he didn’t move away from my touch.

“I know you think you can do this alone, Tyler, but you can’t. I know you’re scared. I promised I’d never leave you and I won’t let you leave me either.”

Tyler was wracked with sobs, so I quickly sat up and made my way around the table, pulling Tyler out of his seat and into my arms, stroking his hair and rocking him as he cried.

“I’m so sorry, Josh.”

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

With the check already paid, and a sobbing Tyler in my arms, I only knew of one thing to do. I swept him off his feet and carried him bridal-style out of the restaurant, ignoring the shocked looks we got.

I carried him the entire way home, the only sounds his occasional sniffs. I ignored the ache in my arms as we neared my apartment.

Tyler’s arms grasped my neck as we walked, his fingers twirling the hair at the base of my neck, and his touch was comforting. It made me hold onto the hope that Tyler wouldn’t leave.

“Key, back pocket,” I said when we were in front of my door. Tyler released one of his hands from my neck to slide it into my pocket, taking out the key and managing to unlock the door. I refused to put him down.

I kicked the door open and walked over to the couch, sitting down as I held Tyler in my arms.

We sat like this for a few minutes, and I squeezed my arms around Tyler tighter and tighter, wanting to feel as close to him as possible. I could feel his soft breath on my neck and the occasional tickle of his eyelashes when he blinked.

“I’m a mess,” Tyler said quietly after a while.

“Please talk to me, Tyler.”

“I shouldn’t have said the things I did to you at the restaurant. I was being unfair and jealous and it was stupid. I… I wish I didn’t feel so insecure. I wish I could believe the things you tell me.”

“We both said things we didn’t mean. I’m sorry, Tyler. You know I want to help you.”

“You’re right. I need your help. I… I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Josh. I don’t want to be so scared all the time.”

“What are you scared of?”

“My parents. My future.” He paused for a second. “My future,” he repeated.

“I promised I’ll never leave you, okay? I will never leave you.”

Tyler sniffed and I felt him smile against my skin. “You’re too good for me.”

“Are you kidding? That’s what I’ve thought about you since the day we met.”

Tyler pulled back and looked at me, his eyes red and puffy. “No way.”

“Yes way,” I smiled, slowly leaning towards him. I bumped our foreheads together, wondering if it would be okay to kiss him.

“I’m sorry about that whole stupid argument. Please… please be my boyfriend.”

I felt my heart swell with warmth, and happy tears slid down my cheeks as I enthusiastically kissed Tyler over and over, smiling against his mouth.

“Why are you crying?” Tyler said when we pulled apart, even though he was crying too.

“I… I love you,” I said quietly, my eyes searching Tyler’s.

His eyes grew wide and they positively sparkled. He buried his head against my neck and I could feel his tears on my skin.

“I love you so much, Josh.”

I pulled Tyler’s face up to mine again to passionately press our lips together again, both of us blubbering like babies.

“I love you,” Tyler repeated breathlessly.

The entire world shifted in that moment. My mind, my heart, my body, every part of me was so alive and practically bursting with happiness. My chest ached with the force of my heartbeat and as Tyler and I kissed each other desperately, I felt like everything was right.

Even though Tyler was scared, even though this wouldn’t be easy for him, even though this was positively terrifying for both of us, nothing had ever felt more right in my life.

This was the kind of love that could conquer anything. This was the kind of love I’d fight for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this is the cheesiest thing i've ever written but no regrets man. just two boys in love what can ya do


End file.
